Holiday Bonus 2 Transcript
Hello, it is Rachel and welcome to a second bonus holiday episode of “Your Parenting Long Game.”
In the last bonus episode, I focused a little bit more on you and the things that you can do to prepare for the holidays, what you can do to foster better behavior moods and attitudes using a plan for success with the 4Ps. This time we’re still going to talk about the four Ps and a plan for success, but we’re going to focus more on our kids’ behavior.
Because there are so many things that we can do proactively to make it more likely that the holiday season will go well. And unfortunately most of us are so busy during the season, or at least leading up to the season, that we don’t take time proactively to set ourselves up for success. I will tell you, you will save so much time though if you are able to take a few minutes to do some of these suggestions.
If you don’t set things up proactively, you’re going to see more negative behaviors, moods, and attitudes. In the last episode, by the way, I did talk about setting realistic expectations and what you can do if the negativity pops up, but I do want to talk about what to do to reduce the negativity to begin with.
I will tell you what this looks like and action to take, but I want to start with the biggest takeaway I want you to have from this episode if you want to become more of a powerful positive influence with your child. And that is whenever you are addressing their behaviors, moods, or attitudes, you want to make it you and your child against the problem, not you against your child.
I’m going to say that again. If you want better behaviors, moods, and attitudes, you want to make it you and your child against the problem, not you against your child.
So, obviously, then you need to know: What is the problem? The problem is what leads to their negative behavior, moods, or attitudes. And in almost every single situation, the problem is that they have a lot of yuck, not a lot of skills, or a combination of the two.
Let me give you some examples of this. In the last episode, I talked about what to do when your kids are overstimulated, what is in your control to do. I want to explain what’s going on in terms of the kids though.
When a child is overstimulated, they have a lot of physiological yuck. Their body is going, going, going, going in that moment and they don’t know how to calm down just because you asked them to.
So this may not look like yuck. They’re not upset. They’re not bothered by anything, but they do have yuck. It’s just physiological in this sense. And they don’t have the strategy to know how to just go from 100 miles an hour to zero. That’s why in the last episode, I gave you some strategies that are in your control to help them with that.
Another example of the problem when it comes to negative behaviors, moods, and attitudes is related to a lot of fighting that I know happens over bedtime during the holidays. You may want your kids to go to bed at a decent hour, and I highly encourage that you do do that. But you get a lot of pushback. They don’t want to go to bed. They whine and they complain.
We see this negative behavior because they have a lot of yuck. Their yuck may be related to a fear of missing out. Their yuck may be related to an expectation that they had that because this is vacation, they can stay up later. But whatever the reason, they have yuck and they don’t have the skills to handle that yuck. They don’t know how to think more flexibly or solve that problem or cope more maturely. These are all skills that kids are missing, so what you see is the resistance.
The yuck behavior that you see during the holidays is a sign that they have yuck and they don’t have the skills to manage it.
Another example: When your child acts entitled during the holidays, which is very common. Maybe they complain that someone else got a gift they wanted even though they had just been given 15 different gifts or a large number of gifts and they’re still complaining.
That is still an example that they have a lot of yuck. They are disappointed because they see something that’s really cool and they didn’t get it and they don’t know how to handle the yuck without it coming out like entitlement, without them saying something like, “oh, why can’t I have that?” Or “why did he get that?”
The entitlement is just a symptom that they have yuck, usually disappointment or frustration, and they don’t have mature skills to handle that yuck.
And the last example I’ll give for now is when your child is mean to a sibling. Maybe one of your kids is being really loud and singing a lot of loud songs. Another sibling has asked them to stop three or four times and they’re not stopping.
Now it looks like the child who’s not stopping is just being self centered and rude. Now this one also might not look like yuck, but it is. Kids tend to be loud and singing loudly and bothering their siblings because they’re looking for stimulation.
Not having stimulation creates yuck, and they don’t have a mature way to handle that except to try to create the stimulation by bothering someone else or making noises. So again, the problem that we’re addressing when we see negative behaviors, moods, and attitudes is that our kids have yuck, and they don’t have the strategies to handle that yuck.
So the solution becomes working with them against the problem on that plan for success that I described in the last episode and I will tell you about again right now. So the plan for success includes four P’s, four things that you can do that all start with the letter P.
First, create predictability. Second, give them power. Third, help them find a plan. And fourth, practice that plan.
So the first two P’s are predictability and power. These first two steps reduce yuck. When you tell a child ahead of time what you expect and you set up some structure for them, that reduces their yuck. When you give them power within your limit, that also reduces yuck.
So let’s talk about how these two Ps would help if you have a child who tends to be very resistant to going to bed at a decent hour during the holidays.
The first thing you want to do for predictability is let your child know ahead of time when you expect them to go to bed. If this is going to change every night because you have different events, that is fine. Just let them know ahead of time. Let them have the correct expectation in their mind because otherwise they’re probably going to assume they can go to bed later because it is the holidays. That predictability sets realistic expectations for them and it reduces their yuck.
The next thing you can do to give them power to reduce their yuck is say, okay, this is when bedtime is going to happen, and then give them power, for example, over how many books you read, or whether they listen to an audiobook before bed, or what the bedtime ritual is. Give them as much power as they can have within the predictable limit that you are setting.
So again, the first two Ps are meant to reduce yuck. They are predictability and power. The second two Ps are meant to help them with their skills. The second two Ps are a plan and practicing that plan. So for example, you’ve told your child now that they have to go to bed at a certain time. It may still be uncomfortable.
Chances are it’s still going to be uncomfortable for them just because it was predictable and you gave them power doesn’t mean all of their yuck is gone. So now they need a plan for what to do when they still have yuck. This is where you’re going to address the specific yuck they have. So if you say to them, “Hey, what do you hate about going to bed early?”
And they say, well, I miss out on what everybody else is doing. Then you can give them a strategy to know what to do when everyone else is busy and maybe that strategy is, okay, let’s talk about what you’re going to do tomorrow. And that’s what you can focus on as you’re going to bed.
Maybe they’re just jealous that older kids get to go to bed at a different hour. And maybe a plan for that is to teach them that at every age, a special thing happens. And yes, older kids go to bed at different times, but at their age, here’s the special thing that happens. And again, maybe you just have a little ritual with them or something that helps them see that what they get is what they need.
Or maybe they’re just lying in bed and they’re so excited and they don’t know how to calm down their bodies. Then you can give them a strategy, for example, to progressively relax their muscles. Maybe they start with their shoulders, and they tense them up really tight, and then they relax them. And then they go down their body and tighten and relax their muscles as they’re falling asleep.
This is a strategy to help them with what they struggle with because remember the problem is when they have yuck, without the skills to handle it, you’re going to see negative behavior. Now once you’ve been predictable and given them power and come up with a plan for when inevitably there is a little bit of yuck, then you practice that plan.
And one of the things that you can do to practice that plan is to have them coach you. So, for example, if their plan is for them to think about all the things that they’re going to do the next day and it doesn’t overly excite them, but let’s say that is their plan. You pretend that you are them lying there in bed and you have them coach you and tell you if you’re doing a good job. Practicing with them where they are in charge makes it much more engaging and it makes it It’s much more likely that they’re going to practice and really learn the skills that you’re talking about.
It really does help to teach skills if you want to learn skills. So again, the four Ps, the plan for success are predictability and power, which reduce yuck. And a plan and practice to help with skills. The whole time, this is you working with your child against the problem.
If they don’t want to go to bed, the problem is that they don’t know how to calm their bodies down, or they don’t know what to do when they feel like they’re missing out, or they don’t know what to do when they’re jealous of their older siblings going to bed later.
We are going to work with them against that problem.
Now you can notice that we are still setting limits. We’re not giving them what they want. If you give your kids everything they want during the holiday season, you will see much more spoiled and entitled looking behavior because they get used to getting what they want and now every time they can’t get what they want, they’re going to have a big reaction.
So we’re not just giving kids what they want. We’re giving them what they need to be resilient. We’re reducing their yuck through predictability. We’re reducing their yuck and we’re giving them strategies.
And when you are working with them against the issues, you are also a powerful positive influence. When you do work with them against the problem, you reduce their yuck and give them strategies, you will see less yuck behavior. You’ll spend less time and energy on this yuck behavior. And these strategies really only take a few minutes to set up proactively.
The other benefit of working with them against the problem is that they’re learning to be more resilient because they know how to address obstacles. You’re also giving them evidence that they can handle discomfort because when they are in bed and they have a strategy, now they’re realizing, oh, you know what? I can handle this feeling because I know what to do with this feeling. This is fostering long lasting resilience. And lastly, you know that you’re giving them the strategy so you can feel more confident as a parent.
And just think about what happens when you do reduce their negative behavior, mood, and attitude by working with them. During the holidays, you’ll see less fighting between you and your child, and even between siblings if you’re doing this strategy with siblings. That means there’s more time for connection and traditions. It also means you’re spending less energy on the negative and you don’t end up as depleted or resentful. And there’s just more joy in the holiday season.
So taking these actions will save you time and energy.
If you want a reminder for what this looks like, I have a free handout that comes with this episode. You can find it on my website at rachel-bailey.com/holiday2 and that is the number two. That’s where my show notes will be. And you will get this free resource as well as well as links to other resources that will help you wrap up the year well, and even for things to go better into 2025.
Thanks for listening. And I’ll see you again soon.
