Episode 390 Transcript
[00:00:00] Hello, it is Rachel, and welcome to episode 390 of Your Parenting Long Game.
There are some children whose struggles are impossible to miss. They yell, they argue, they refuse, and when they’re unhappy, everyone in the house knows it.
And then there are the children who cope very differently. They agree. They give in. They often let the other child choose, or they hand over the toy they were playing with.
They apologize quickly, even when they didn’t really do anything wrong.
These children are often described as sweet, generous, mature, easy-going, flexible, and they may genuinely be all of these things.
But sometimes what looks like kindness on the outside is actually a child trying to get away from discomfort as quickly as possible.
Today, I’m going to talk about how to tell the difference between kindness and people-pleasing, and what you can do if your child tends to sacrifice what they want in order to keep everyone else happy.
So let’s start with what we see. Imagine your child is playing with one of her favorite stuffed animals when her younger sister reaches for [00:01:00] it.
Your child says, “No, I’m playing with it.” Her sister gets upset. Maybe she cries, grabs for it, or says, “You never share.”
Almost immediately, your child hands it over. She says, “Fine, you can have it.” Or perhaps she goes even further, “You keep it. I don’t even want it anymore.”
You know that isn’t true. This is the stuffed animal she sleeps with every night. Ten minutes ago, she wouldn’t let it out of her sight. But the moment someone else became unhappy with her, she gave it away.
You might see the same pattern with friends. A friend wants to play one game, so your child agrees, even though he wanted to do something else.
Someone tells him where to sit, what role he has to play, or what he’s allowed to do, and he goes along with it.
Or perhaps your child shuts down when there’s disagreement. They stop sharing their ideas. They say, “I don’t care,” or, “Whatever you want.”
That child may be wonderful at noticing what everyone else needs and have a much harder time recognizing or protecting what they need.
So what do we commonly think and feel when we see this?
At first, we may be proud. We’ve worked hard to raise [00:02:00] a thoughtful child.
You want them to be generous. You don’t want them to be entitled or insist that everything go their way.
But then you notice that that kindness may come at their expense, and that brings up a different kind of fear.
You may start to think, “I don’t want them to become a people pleaser.” You imagine your child as a teenager who can’t say no to their friends, or an adult who tolerates unhealthy relationships, overextends themselves, and feels responsible for everyone else’s feelings.
You may worry that you somehow taught them that being good means being agreeable.
And because you see where this pattern may lead, the moment with the stuffed animal no longer feels small. It feels like evidence of something you need to fix before it becomes part of who they are.
Now I will tell you that the difference between a people pleaser and a child who is genuinely flexible is whether giving in is a coping mechanism or something they genuinely want to do.
Some kids genuinely don’t want that stuffed animal. They genuinely enjoy playing whatever they play because it doesn’t matter to them as long as [00:03:00] they’re with someone.
A people pleaser is going to sacrifice their own needs for someone else.
Now most of us when we do notice people-pleasing symptoms where a child is very likely putting their own needs second, we tend to approach them by explaining.
We say, “You don’t have to give away something you love just because your sister’s upset.”
We remind them, “Your feelings matter, too.” Or we may say, ” Part of being kind to yourself is standing up for what you want.”
We may teach them phrases like, “I’m still using that,” or, “You can have it when I’m finished.”
We may have long conversations about boundaries, confidence, and being true to yourself.
And these are not bad messages. Your child may intellectually agree with every word. When they’re calm, they may say, “I know I’m allowed to say no. I don’t have to make everyone happy.”
But the next time someone becomes unhappy with them, they do the same thing all over again, and you think, “We just talked about this. Why isn’t it sticking?”
Here’s why these conversations alone don’t work.
Knowing that you’re allowed to say no is [00:04:00] very different from being able to tolerate the feeling that happens when you say no.
For some children, another person’s disappointment feels incredibly uncomfortable.
Imagine your child’s internal smoke alarm is especially sensitive to signs of interpersonal tension. A friend frowns, a sibling cries, someone voice, someone’s voice changes slightly.
Their alarm is going to start blaring. Something is wrong. Someone’s unhappy with me. I might lose this relationship. I need to fix this. Giving in turns off the alarm that’s screaming inside of them. It reduces their Yuck.
When your child hands over the stuffed animal, the other child may stop crying. The tension decreases, their feeling of Yuck decreases, and then the relationship feels safe again.
Your child experiences immediate relief, and that relief teaches their brain, “That worked. The next time someone’s upset with me, I should just give in.”
So this isn’t necessarily a problem with what your child knows or is aware of.
Even if [00:05:00] they do know what to do, there’s likely a problem with what they can access when their discomfort or Yuck outweighs their ability to remember, “My needs matter, too,” to say those assertive words, and to stay present while the other person remains unhappy.
That’s why repeating the lesson doesn’t necessarily change the behavior.
It’s like someone telling you how to ride a bike. You can explain balance perfectly.
But understanding how balance works is not the same as staying upright when the bike starts to wobble.
Your child needs more than the encouragement, “You can say no.”
They need to know how to feel that wobble (in this case, the other person’s disappointment), without immediately abandoning themselves to make it stop. Their fight or flight response is insisting that they abandon themselves. They don’t know how to work around that.
So what can you do instead? First, become curious about what the behavior is doing for your child.
Instead of assuming she’s being too passive or she doesn’t value [00:06:00] herself, consider that giving in is how she makes uncomfortable tension or Yuck go away.
That shift matters because it changes the goal. Your goal is to recognize that in that moment her fight or flight response is incredibly strong.
Second, be careful not to turn assertiveness into another way that your child has to please you. If their sibling gets a toy and you immediately say, “Why did you give that away? Go get it back,” she now has two unhappy people to manage. Their sibling wants the toy, and you want them to take it back.
They may feel even more overwhelmed.
In the moment, you can simply protect the truth without demanding a performance. You might say, “I notice you gave your sister the stuffed animal when she became upset. It is possible to keep playing with something even when someone else wants it.”
In that way, you’re acknowledging another possibility without forcing your child to confront someone before they have the skills to do that.
Third, practice nervous system regulation outside of the moment.
Don’t just [00:07:00] practice what they can say to someone else.
They need those strategies to tolerate the discomfort that comes after they stand up for themselves.
You may even acknowledge with them sometimes that feeling is the hard part: “Saying the words is one part, but letting someone be unhappy is hard, isn’t it?”
Now, if your child needs help tolerating discomfort…I’ve talked about that in other episodes, and that’s actually what I do in my programs. I work with parents to teach children how to tolerate discomfort.
So there’s more information about how you can work with me and join one of my programs in the show notes and listing of this episode.
Remember, them how to handle discomfort is going to be key, and it has to happen outside of the moment and be practiced outside of the moment.
Now, once they have these skills, give your child small opportunities to have preferences that affect other people.
Maybe your child chooses the family movie, knowing their sibling would have chosen something else. Maybe they tell you what restaurant they prefer. Start simple though.
What they eventually do learn through experience, [00:08:00] — not lecturing, not explaining, not encouragement, but experience — they learn, “I can want something. Someone else may want something different. Their disappointment is uncomfortable, but it is not dangerous. It is not my responsibility to fix it.
And lastly, you can always model this skill to your child.
You can say to them, “I know you wanted me to stay longer. I’m leaving now, and you’re allowed to be disappointed.”
Or, “I hear that you don’t like my decision. I’m not going to change it, but I’m still here with you.”
That shows your child that loving someone does not mean preventing all of their discomfort. Connection can survive disagreement.
Now once they really learn to handle this feeling, at first things may not look smoother.
Your child may still hesitate. They may still give in. They may become upset when you don’t immediately solve the tension for them.
But gradually your child may begin to pause. They may start to say, “I’m not done yet.”
They may still [00:09:00] look nervous when they say it. Their voice may be quiet. They may need you nearby. That still counts.
Confidence does not mean they don’t feel discomfort. It means they can act without needing the discomfort to disappear first.
And over the long run, your child learns something much deeper than how to hold onto a toy or choose something that matters to them.
They learn that kindness does not require self-abandonment. They learn that someone can be disappointed in them and still care about them.
They learn that they can survive the moment when another person wants something they cannot or do not want to give.
And because they don’t have to depend on pleasing others to feel safe, they become more capable of genuine generosity.
Of course the goal is not to raise a child who never compromises, never shares, or never considers someone’s feelings.
The goal is to raise a child who can care deeply about other people without believing they’re responsible for keeping everyone happy.
Your child simply needs the skills, the strategies, and the lived experience to [00:10:00] discover that they can be both caring and strong. Those two things are not mutually exclusive.
This is a strategy that supports your Parenting Long Game.
Thanks for listening, and I’ll see you again soon.
FREE RESOURCE: Does your child have a narrow zone of tolerance?
