Episode 386 Transcript
Hello, it is Rachel, and welcome to episode 386 of Your Parenting Long Game.
If you are raising a child who feels things strongly and you listen to almost any parenting advice, you’ve probably heard that it’s important to validate your child’s feelings.
And honestly, it makes sense where this advice came from. It’s a huge improvement over what previous generations did when a child had a big emotion.
Because in the past, our parents would have said to us when we had a big feeling: “You’re fine,” or, “Stop crying,” or, “There’s nothing to be upset about.”
So validating a child’s feelings and emotions is a big and important shift.
But today, I want to challenge the concept of automatically validating a child’s emotions because for some children, especially sensitive children, validating can actually make things worse.
And I’m going to tell you why and what to do instead, but I just want you to think about this: When our kids are upset, we’ve learned to say things like, “You really wanted a second dessert,” or, “You’re disappointed because playtime is over,” or, “You’re frustrated that your brother took your toy,” or, “You feel angry because I said no.”
Now, these statements aren’t wrong. They’re respectful, and they may really help some kids. But if you’ve ever looked at your child after saying something like that and seen that they become even more upset, or they continue arguing, or they insist, “No, that’s not why I’m upset!” there’s a reason for that.
And as a highly sensitive adult myself, I can tell you, I can’t stand validation.
In fact, validation makes me feel really patronized, and it makes me feel more alone with my feelings, which increases my Yuck. And this is what a lot of other sensitive kids and adolescents and adults have told me as well.
So I’m going to explain why this is.
The first is that when someone’s validating you, it can feel like the other person is sort of checking off a box, doing the thing they’re supposed to do…almost like they’ve learned the script: I acknowledge the feeling. I did the thing. …Why isn’t this working? Why is my child still upset?
And kids, especially sensitive kids, are incredibly perceptive. They can tell the difference between someone trying to get the interaction over with and calm them down, and someone who genuinely cares about what they’re going through. And it’s the genuine care that helps them regulate.
So for a sensitive child who’s in a moment of struggle, someone just saying what they’re supposed to say doesn’t feel good.
Imagine that yourself. Imagine you’ve had a long day, you’re exhausted, you’ve been pulled in a million directions, people are annoying you, and someone says to you, “You’re mad because a lot of things went wrong today.”
That doesn’t feel good. It just feels like someone’s observing you from a distance and doesn’t really understand why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling.
Now there’s a second reason that may make your child more upset when you’re validating, and it’s an extra word that many of us add when we’re doing the validating.
And that extra word is the word “but.”
So we say, “I know you’re disappointed, but it’s time to leave.” “I understand you’re frustrated, but that’s the rule.” “You really wanted that second dessert, but you can’t have it.”
The word but basically says to someone, “Ignore everything you heard before.” It’s almost like saying, “I acknowledge your feelings. Now let me tell you why they don’t matter.”
And of course, that is not our intention! But that’s what kids hear, that’s what they sense, and that’s what they react to.
Now there’s also a third reason that validation isn’t particularly effective, and I actually think this is the biggest one.
A lot of our kids who feel things strongly don’t simply want someone to observe or acknowledge that they’re upset. They want someone to genuinely care about why something feels so difficult for them. Those are two very different things.
Sensitive children often experience emotions more intensely than other people. They feel a lot of chaos and tension and pressure and confusion inside.
And on top of all of that Yuck and discomfort, they are often misunderstood.
People tell them they’re overreacting. They tell them it’s not a big deal. They tell them they shouldn’t feel that way.
So when they’re upset, they’re not just asking, “Do you know why I’m upset?” They’re asking, “Can you see the world through my eyes for just a minute? Can you see why this is so hard for me?”
Our kids want someone to understand what they are going through, not what we think they should be going through.
They want to feel seen. They want someone to truly understand and care about the fact that this feels so big for them. They don’t want someone to judge them for having the experience that they’re having (and they can’t even control).
Now, it’s important to know they don’t need someone to agree with what they’re going through. They just want someone to understand it.
So instead of saying you’re disappointed, it would sound more like, “Of course this feels huge to you because you’ve been looking forward to this all day.”
Or, “Of course you’re upset. You worked really hard on that, and it feels like no one noticed.”
Or, “It makes sense that you’re worried. Last time something like this happened, it didn’t go very well, and that’s what you’re remembering right now.”
Notice what’s different there. You’re not just naming the feeling. You’re explaining why the feeling makes sense. You’re helping them feel less alone with the chaos that they’re experiencing in that moment.
And honestly, as adults, we need this too. I’m going to go a little deeper into that example I mentioned earlier where you’ve had a really bad day and someone just observed what you were going through.
So let’s go into a little more detail. Imagine you come home after one of the hardest days you’ve had in months.
Your boss criticized you at work, your child had a meltdown before school, you’re behind on two projects, and your dog has been needing to go to the vet for two days, but you haven’t had the time. Everything is weighing on you. You’re exhausted, so you tell a friend or a spouse about it, and they look at you and say, “Wow, sounds like you’re stressed.”
They’re validating technically, but how satisfying does that feel? Probably not very satisfying.
But imagine instead they say, “No wonder you’re overwhelmed. You’ve been carrying everyone else’s needs all week, and you’ve barely had a minute to breathe, and then today it felt like nothing you did was good enough.”
In that case, they saw the situation from your perspective…not just their perspective observing you, but they saw what it was like for you.
Can you see how this makes the burden feel just slightly less bad? Because they get it. They don’t just label your emotion. They understood your experience. And that’s what our kids are looking for.
And there’s actually a simple shift you can make to do this. Instead of immediately thinking, “What feeling do I need to validate?” Just ask yourself a different question, “What was happening from my child’s perspective? What are they going through? What happened to them in that situation? What happened to them earlier that day? Or what’s been going on for them this week that might make that situation hard?”
The answers are often sitting right there once we just shift our perspective to what they are going through.
Maybe your child isn’t upset just about losing the game. Maybe they’re upset that they’ve lost three games in a row, and they’re starting to wonder if they’re good enough.
Maybe they’re not melting down over the wrong dinner. Maybe this is the fifth disappointment they’ve had that day, and they just don’t have anything left in the tank.
Maybe they’re not refusing to go to soccer because they’re difficult. Maybe they feel like they don’t fit in with the other kids. Or maybe something about the coach really bothers them.
When you start to think about what situations are like from their perspective, when you think about the reason that they’re having that feeling, your response can change naturally.
And here’s what makes this even easier. Sometimes once you see their perspective, you don’t even have to say a word. Sensitive kids are remarkably good at sensing whether someone genuinely understands them.
Now, I do want to mention one important point about all of this, because I want you to be successful with this…so I want you to have realistic expectations.
Understanding your child doesn’t magically snap them out of their feeling, doesn’t magically change their Yuck behavior.
But that’s not the goal. The goal isn’t talking them out of being upset. The goal is to send a signal of safety to their fight or flight response. You’re communicating “you’re not alone in this.”
And when they feel understood, they don’t have to convince you why it’s so bad, which means they’re not stuck in their own mind convincing themselves why it’s so bad.
That’s when their nervous system can slowly begin to sense safety and start to shut down their fight or flight response. It doesn’t happen instantly, but it happens much sooner than if our child still feels like they’re trying to prove their experience to us because we didn’t get how bad it was.
So if you’ve been trying to validate your child and it doesn’t seem to be helping, just make this small shift. Ask yourself, “Have I just named their feeling, or have I really stepped into their world for a moment?”
Because for many sensitive kids, feeling understood isn’t just comforting. It’s what allows them to begin to get unstuck from that hard moment.
Obviously that’s helpful in the moment, but it’s also helpful in the long run so they can handle these moments on their own more effectively in the future.
That’s your parenting long game. Thanks for listening, and I’ll see you again soon.
FREE RESOURCE: Does your child have a narrow zone of tolerance?
