Episode 369 Transcript
Hello, it is Rachel and welcome to episode 369 of Your Parenting Long Game.
In the last episode, I shared a note from a client session that I had, and I’m going to do that again today. And this note is actually one I write to many clients after our personal sessions.
I also offer a strategy that has helped many clients diffuse drama faster. So of course I want to share it with you. Now, I’m not going to say that I’m the best at implementing this strategy myself, but when I’m able to use it, it is very powerful. And again, I want you to have it too.
So first, let me start with that note that I give to many clients after our sessions. And that note is: “Work on not talking so much. Talking is a telltale sign of our own Yuck as parents. And the more we talk, the more influence we leak.”
So that is the note, and I tell you, I write that note because I see this pattern very often, including in myself: A parent will ask their child to do something — put your shoes on, turn off the iPad, start your homework — and the child doesn’t immediately respond.
So the parent keeps talking, saying things like, “Did you hear me?” Or, “You know, we’re running late,” or “I’ve asked you three times.” Or, “Come on, it’s not that hard. Just get started.”
By the time we’re done talking, the original request we made is buried under a paragraph of our words.
It’s hard for us, when our kids don’t immediately do what we want them to do, to stop talking …because let’s be honest, it feels unbearable to just wait after we say something.
And here’s what’s interesting: We tend to assume we talk because our child isn’t listening, or our child seems to not care that they have to get something done, or our child is being “defiant.”
But most of the time we talk because we are uncomfortable with pauses.
Silence feels like we’re losing control or being ignored…or that we’re not being firm enough parents…or that the situation is going off the rails and it’ll just get worse. So we fill the space, not to help our child, but to explain our perspective and why our children should listen to us, why they should put their shoes on, turn off the iPad, or start their homework.
Because that’s what makes us feel better.
We feel out of control because our kids aren’t listening and we think that explaining to them why this is so important or why we’ve already asked them three times will help us feel more in control.
Our overtalking is a way we try to regulate ourselves.
It just doesn’t work very well because our kids resist so many words and then they really don’t listen to us.
And here’s what’s important to remember. Often our requests — put your shoes on, turn off the iPad, start your homework (those requests where we ask kids to do things they don’t care much about or they don’t feel like doing) — they have two qualities:
The first quality is that many of these tasks require multiple executive functioning skills. The second thing is that these tasks also put our kids into Yuck.
So in order to actually do the task we’re asking, they need to first feel that feeling that they have, that Yuck that they have, and it takes a few moments to process that.
Then they also need to use the multiple executive functioning skills that are required.
So when we ask them to do something, first they have to register the request… And often they were doing something else and it takes them a minute to register what we’re saying.
Then they have to shift their attention to what we ask them to do.
Then they have to regulate that emotional reaction, that Yuck that they experienced.
Then they have to initiate the next task. This all takes time, especially for sensitive, anxious, or neurodivergent kids.
When we keep talking, we interrupt that process. It’s like hitting refresh over and over on a website that’s trying to load. It doesn’t necessarily get it to load faster. It just makes us feel like we’re doing something.
And I actually want you to imagine what this is like for a child. Imagine you are the one being asked to do something, like your partner asks you about something that has to get done.
They say, “Hey, can you look at your calendar and figure out when we can schedule that appointment?”
And you can tell they want you to do it in that moment, but you’re already tired.
So now your brain has to switch gears because it wasn’t really what was on your radar at that moment.
You knew you had to look at the calendar at some point to discuss this appointment, but you didn’t expect it at that moment.
So now you have to shift. You have to deal with any feelings that come up about being asked to do it at that moment.
And you have to initiate that next task. For you that might be pulling up dates in your head or even figuring out where your calendar is… but while you’re doing all of that, your partner keeps talking.
They say, “It has to be done before the end of the month!” and “We can’t do Tuesdays” and “Remember, last time scheduling it was so hard!” “Do you hear me? I need an answer.”
So while you’re trying to do all that mental and emotional work and your partner keeps asking you these questions and telling you why it’s so important, you don’t think faster, you don’t feel supported. You feel pressured, interrupted, and even more scattered.
And if you’re honest, you probably feel pretty irritated as well.
Now imagine on the other hand, they make this request. They say, “Hey, can you look at your calendar and figure out when we can schedule that appointment?”
But then they stop and wait for a moment. That pause gives your brain room to organize. It gives you space to think and process, not just the logistics, but the feeling you have in the moment.
This is what it’s like for our kids, but honestly it’s actually slightly harder for them because you might see the value in checking the dates to get that appointment scheduled, but they don’t necessarily see the value of putting their shoes on at that moment, or turning off the iPad at that moment, or starting their homework.
So they have extra resistance that they have to work through.
So again, you want to talk less.
And I want to make this practical. Here’s what I suggest. Ask your child to do something and then stop talking. Count silently to 10 or even 20, or look around the room for different colors in the room, or just think about anything else besides the “threat” of your child not jumping up and doing what you ask.
Because your pause to them communicates this. It communicates, “I trust your brain to catch up. I’m not panicking that you’re not listening right away. This isn’t an emergency.”
And when you realize it’s not an emergency and you communicate through your energy that it’s not an emergency, this keeps you in the zone of influence.
It helps them take you seriously rather than focusing on protecting themselves from the barrage of words. And very often what I hear from clients when I share this note and they put this into practice, they say that their child moves!
Most often, their child’s sighs or grumbles, but eventually they start doing what they have to do. Not because you explained better, but because you gave them a moment to process having to do something they don’t want to do.
And then as long as you’ve shown them in the past that you mean what you say, that there are no loopholes, they have to listen to you, they will do what they have to do.
Now, if in the past you haven’t shown that you mean what you say…if they know there are loopholes or they don’t have to listen to you… that’s actually a separate issue, but more talking is not going to solve that issue that they’re not taking you seriously.
In that case, you need to do a little bit more work so they know that when you say something, you mean it. Again, the solution is not to talk more.
So the next time you notice yourself overexplaining over prompting or overtalking, try reminding yourself: Instead of “They’re not listening.” Say, “It’s my anxiety that wants me to talk right now. It’s not helpful for my child.”
Then you can focus on what is in your control and how you can follow through so your child takes you more seriously.
The parents that I’ve worked with who’ve made the biggest shift here didn’t learn a new script or the magic words to say the right thing in the moment.
What they did was they practiced tolerating that pause — tolerating the discomfort of a child not stepping up right away and doing exactly what we ask.
And this one change, this pause, recognizing that that space is not a threat, it reduces power struggles.
It speeds things up and it helps kids feel more capable because they can do all the things that they have to do when they don’t feel like doing something. And this happens without a single extra word.
Sometimes the most influential thing you can say is nothing at all.
Now if you want to learn what this looks like in moments of drama where your child is melting down or shutting down, or being disrespectful, I have a live event where I’m leading really small groups, no more than five people, to create personalized plans to diffuse drama in the moment.
And I would love to invite you to this live planning session. It’s called “When emotions control your home: Build your plan to calm emotional storms when nothing seems to work.”
You will actually leave this session with your plan to say less during the situations where things seem really hard (where it’s even more of our instinct to say more, but we realize that doesn’t actually work).
Now, I’m not sure how long into 2026 I’ll be offering this planning session. So if you are interested, be sure to join now. The details are on the show notes for this episode at Rachel-Bailey.com/369. In the meantime, thanks for listening, and I’ll see you again soon.
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