Episode 366 Transcript
Hello, it is Rachel and welcome to episode 366 of Your Parenting Long Game.
This episode is going to be airing on Thanksgiving Day, and while everyone else is talking about gratitude for family and health and food and community, which is all really important, I actually want to talk about gratitude for you because you may not hear this often enough.
Your kids may not bring this up in detail, but you deserve just as much appreciation as the things that go on that typical gratitude list.
Today’s episode is to you, a parent who is trying even when it’s hard, and especially when it’s hard.
Let’s start with something that doesn’t get acknowledged nearly enough: Parenting isn’t hard because you’re doing it wrong. In fact, I find the parents who think parenting is the hardest are the ones that are making the most positive impact in their children’s lives.
The parents I work with parents like you are raising children with big feelings, big reactions, big needs, big sensitivities, and that adds many layers that most people don’t see.
Let’s name just some of the things you deal with that no Thanksgiving gratitude post is going to mention:
You are dealing with kids melting down over things that really don’t seem meltdown worthy.
You’re dealing with the homework refusal that triggers your own stress response.
You’re dealing with the routines that should be predictable, but somehow still become a battle.
You’re dealing with kids who won’t get dressed, won’t get in the car, won’t go to bed, won’t start homework, won’t stop arguing.
You’re dealing with kids who ask the same question 14 times because uncertainty feels unsafe and they seem to need constant reassurance.
You’re dealing with siblings who push each other’s buttons like it’s their life mission.
You’re dealing with kids whose anxiety becomes the center of gravity for the whole house.
You’re dealing with kids whose avoider brain kicks in the moment something feels even slightly uncomfortable.
And in the middle of that, you’re trying to stay calm.
You’re trying to lead and show empathy.
You’re trying to remember what “good parenting” looks like, even when you’re running late and every nerve in your body feels frayed.
You’re trying even when you don’t succeed at being a parent that you’re proud of.
If no one has said this to you lately, this is a lot to do.
You are carrying a tremendous load emotionally, mentally, physically, and you’re probably carrying it quietly most of the time, even when you’re exhausted, when you doubt yourself, when your own Yuck is sky high.
Even when your inner critic whispers that you’re messing up your kids.
And the fact that you keep coming back and trying again, trying to understand your child, trying to respond differently, trying to grow that is worth even when you don’t succeed…the trying is worth pausing to acknowledge. It’s worth honoring, and it’s worth appreciating.
Not because you’re perfect, no parent is, but because you’re committed and that commitment matters far more than perfection ever will.
So, if at all possible, I’d like you to try to be grateful to yourself for the things that you do. Not the things you do right, but the things you do.
I want you to be grateful for yourself for the emotional energy it takes to stay regulated when your child is not, even if you can’t do that all the time.
Appreciate the way you track everyone’s moods like a human weather radar.
Appreciate the invisible planning you do.
Appreciate the calming breaths you take even when your body is screaming to yell.
Appreciate the strength it takes not to get sucked into your child’s Yuck.
Appreciate the way you quietly redefine expectations to keep the peace.
Appreciate the way you absorb their anxiety so they can feel safe.
Appreciate the way you hide your tears in the pantry because you don’t want them to feel responsible for your feelings.
Appreciate the way you wake up every day hoping it will go differently and appreciate the way you go to bed every night caring enough to want to try again.
I want you to hear that even if you’ve only done one of the things on that list, you are making deposits into your child’s long-term confidence and emotional safety, even if you don’t see the results yet.
So this Thanksgiving, I want you to take a moment –just one moment if that’s all you have — to acknowledge yourself. Not the version of you that you hope to be someday. Not the version that you imagine a perfect or even a good parent would be, not the version that never raises their voice or always has a calm presence.
I want you to acknowledge the version of you that exists right now: The imperfect, loving, tired, determined parent. The parent who keeps learning. The parent who cares deeply, even on the days when it feels like too much. (And very honestly, it’s probably because you care deeply that it feels like too much.)
Because that parent… you are worthy of gratitude.
It’s important to know that the human brain is wired to notice the negative. You’re probably not noticing the positive. It is happening.
You’ve impacted your child more than you know, but you are probably only noticing the times when you do something you regret.
And you’ve modeled something incredibly powerful — that trying again is enough. I’m sure that’s a lesson that you want your child to learn and you are teaching it through your action.
Now, before we close today’s Thanksgiving episode, I want you to imagine something: Imagine your child, not the version you hope they’ll be someday, but the child who lives in your home right now.
I want you to imagine them speaking to you from a place beyond their Yuck, beyond their big emotions.
Here’s what they would probably say if they had the words and the regulation to express it… They’d say:
Thank you.
Thank you for staying even when I push you away.
Thank you for trying to understand me, even when I don’t understand myself.
Thank you for calming me sometimes even when you’re overwhelmed too.
Thank you for trying to learn how my brain works instead of blaming me for my behavior.
Thank you for wanting me to grow, even when growth is uncomfortable.
Thank you for coming back after hard moments.
Thank you for loving me in ways I don’t always show that I need, and thank you for just trying.
That is how your child experiences you. Even if they can’t say it, even if it looks like resistance or looks like avoidance, or looks like arguing or negotiating.
They feel the safety that you’re trying to create and the safety that you successfully create but aren’t noticing.
They benefit from the stability you are building, even if it’s not as often as you’d like it to be. And they’re grateful for the version of you who keeps showing up, even if you’re not doing it perfectly.
I made something to go with today’s episode. It’s a simple checklist that you can download. It includes the everyday invisible things that you do that truly matter, even if no one sees them, including yourself.
The link to that checklist is in the show notes and I want you to download it and give yourself credit if you’ve done even one of those things, although I have a feeling you’ve done more than one, and see that thing that you’ve done from your child’s perspective.
See how it makes a difference to them, even if you’re not doing everything the way you think you should. This is a huge part of your Parenting Long Game.
Thanks for listening today. Thank you to you, and I’ll see you next time.
The checklist: Notice what you’re doing
Free resources to support you as you’re raising children with big emotions
