Episode 358 Transcript
Hello, it is Rachel and welcome to episode 358 of Your Parenting Long Game. I just want to start by saying that I haven’t done a free workshop in a little while and I’m about to do a new one. So I wanted to let you know that it’s coming up on September 11th, 2025, and the title of the workshop is “Stop Working So Hard to Get Your Child to Calm Down.”
I’m going to actually help you work with your kids’ brains instead of against your kids’ brains, to help them regulate more easily and to build their confidence and trust in themselves that they can get through discomfort more easily.
The information on that free workshop is on the show notes for this episode at Rachel-bailey.com/358.
And I will tell you that today’s episode is going to align very closely with this topic as well.
It’s really an important one to me because if you’re raising a child with big emotions, you know how exhausting their behaviors, moods, and attitudes can be.
Maybe you have a child who melts down when you say no, or a child who consistently argues or insists on having the last word. Maybe you have a child who falls apart when something doesn’t go their way or they can’t handle it when they’ve finished their dessert, but their sibling is still savoring theirs.
Their reactions in situations that aren’t comfortable for them seem dramatic, over the top, and relentless, and most of us spend a lot of energy trying to make these situations stop.
We try to get them to calm down. We lecture or explain why they don’t need to be so upset, and sometimes we give in or give up just to avoid the fight. Other times we dig in and get stricter because we feel like if we don’t hold the line, they will never learn.
And of course, it’s hard to be consistent in your reaction when you’ve been at work all day or you’ve been dealing with kids’ moods since 6:00 AM, the last thing you have energy for is another meltdown or power struggle. You’re already carrying your own Yuck.
And on top of that, you want to raise a child who knows how to behave, who respects limits, who can handle disappointment. So of course you’re going to jump in and try to stop the behavior and make it better. That feels like your job. And of course, if you’re too tired to do that, you’re going to give in because you don’t want to deal with the drama.
But here’s the problem. Most of us are only reacting to our kids’ Yuck behavior, and we miss what’s going on underneath. And so we are spending so much energy working against them because most of the time, the frustrating moments in our kids’ behavior are not about our kids being difficult. Most of the time the frustrating moments that we’re experiencing could be fixed if our kids had the skills to do something different.
These behaviors, these meltdowns and shutdowns and refusals and disrespect, they are all a sign that a child hasn’t mastered skills… skills like flexible thinking and frustration tolerance… or skills like doing uncomfortable tasks that they don’t feel like doing.
And when we don’t recognize that the core of this is missing skills, when we see their behavior as defiance or manipulation, then our response adds more Yuck to the situation for us and for them.
And we are working harder than we have to.
And the truth is, the impact of us missing that these are missing skills is more than just one rough afternoon when our kids feel like we don’t understand them.
When our kids sense that we expect them to just do better – “Stop melting down.” “Stop being disrespectful.” “Clean your room.” “Take the dog out for a walk.” — when we just expect them to do these things without learning how, they start to internalize negative things about themselves.
They start to believe they’re not capable. They feel like they’re always messing up, always disappointing us, and that chips away at their self-esteem and it affects how they view us.
Instead of seeing us as someone who has their back and can teach them how to do uncomfortable things, they start to see us as people they can’t please, which makes them push us away… and it makes them feel bad about themselves.
Again, this is not about judgment for any of us as parents because we usually respond in the way we do because we weren’t even aware that this has to do with missing skills, let alone know what skills are missing or how to teach them to our kids.
That’s why in this episode I’m going to mention some basic skills that are missing and how the behaviors that frustrate us… the ones we often feel helpless to know how to handle correctly… they’re signs of our kids missing skills.
And once you see a behavior through this lens, you will know that you can actually work with these behaviors and use them to teach your children to be more resilient and confident in the long run.
So now I’m going to share two of the most common skill sets that our kids are missing, and how their behavior is your cue that your child needs to learn these skills. And when they do, things will get better. Not just in the short run, but in the long run in terms of how they see themselves and how they view us.
So the first set of tools I’m going to talk about are executive functioning skills related to tasks that they have to do. And the second set are also executive functioning skills, but they’re really related more to emotional regulation and handling discomfort.
Let’s look at each of these more closely, starting with the executive functioning skills related to tasks.
These skills I’m about to talk about allow kids to plan and execute tasks they have to do responsibly and maturely. These are the skills necessary for kids doing things like homework and cleaning up and getting off of their devices.
These skills allow them to shift from one task to another. They allow them to start a task even when they don’t feel like it. They allow them to stay on track even when the task is boring or uncomfortable, and they allow them to notice when they’ve gotten off track. And here’s the thing: Most of our kids are missing most of these skills.
So I want you to know what this looks like in behavior when they’re missing these skills because from now on when you see these behaviors, I don’t want you to think I have to find the best consequence for my child so they’ll do better.
I want you to think, “Ah, there’s a skill that they’re missing and I can teach that skill to them.”
So here are some behaviors that are signs that your child is missing these skills. The first behavior is when a child takes forever to get ready to do something. You see this very commonly when they take so long to get ready in the morning.
And the reason they struggle with this is because, again, they’re missing skills. They may be missing the skill to start a task that they don’t feel like doing. They may be getting distracted by something else that’s going on around them and they don’t know how to get themselves back on track. And when they get off task, they might not even notice that they’re off task.
So they take forever to get the task done. This is all a sign that they are missing skills.
Another behavior you may see is when a child resists their homework, because again, that requires them to start a task when their brain is screaming for them not to (because that task is so uncomfortable). It also requires them to stay on task even when everything else is shouting for their attention, and it requires them again to notice when they’re off task.
When it comes to homework, we often say things to kids like, “If you just started your homework, you’d be done by now!” And that is absolutely the truth and even more of a reason that we need to see this as a situation where your child is missing this skill to do it.They also want to be done quickly. And if they had the skills to do this, if they even knew that they were missing the skills to do this, they would get their homework done more quickly.
Now, another example of a behavior you may see that’s a sign of missing skills is when your child is really difficult when they have to transition, even if they’re going somewhere they want to go. Disengaging from one activity and shifting attention to another, that is a task related executive functioning skill.
So if they don’t stop what they’re doing, it looks like it’s defiance… when really, it’s just that they don’t have the ability to disengage.
But here’s the thing: This skill is something that we can teach them, and when we teach them, they’re a lot less resistant.
The problem is we don’t usually see these behaviors as missing skills. We see them as misbehavior. We say they’re not listening or they’re being lazy. That’s what most of us were taught to believe, but that leads to us spending so much energy working against our kids where we could just teach them these skills and work with the way their brains work.
So the first set of missing skills that I just mentioned are very task related. The second type of missing scale for kids with big emotions is the ability to handle emotional discomfort maturely.
This is a skill that most kids struggle with. “Handling discomfort maturely” means overriding our fight or flight response. And our fight or flight response is powerful. If we’re talking about kids with big emotions, they go into fight or flight more quickly and they feel it more strongly,,, and it’s even harder for them to turn off this response.
The urge that we have when we’re in fight or flight, either to fight or flight, is incredibly strong.
And when kids don’t have the skill to notice this urge and be able to move through it without giving into it, it shows up in all sorts of behaviors.
Here are some of the behaviors you see when your child hasn’t mastered these skills.
You may see constant arguing when you tell them they have to do something. Deep down, the reason they’re so argumentative is they know the task will be uncomfortable. And since they don’t know how to handle that feeling, they try to fight their way out of it. That’s fight or flight.
Another example of a behavior you’ll see if they haven’t mastered these skills is meltdowns. When you say no, they don’t have the ability to sit with the disappointment they’re feeling, so their whole system erupts.
Another behavior you might see is falling apart after a mistake. Instead of recovering, they spiral because they don’t know how to tolerate the discomfort of being wrong, and it’s not enough to just tell them, “You shouldn’t be so upset when you’re wrong. Everyone makes mistakes.” They still have that feeling of discomfort. They don’t all of a sudden just believe you when you say that. They’re still uncomfortable and they don’t know how to handle that feeling.
Another behavior you might see is lying about what they did or didn’t do. Lying feels safer than sitting in the discomfort of admitting they didn’t follow through.
Their behavior may also be refusing to accept responsibility. Blaming others is a shield against the discomfort of being at fault.
Not speaking up for themselves is another symptom that they don’t have the skill to handle. Discomfort avoidance is easier than tolerating the discomfort of potential rejection.
And lastly, although this isn’t the last symptom, it’s the last one I’m going to mention, another behavior you may see that is that symptom of a missing skill is when they worry about all of the bad things that could happen. This worry is actually anxiety’s way of trying to prepare for discomfort they don’t feel they’ll be able to handle.
All of these behaviors are signs that a child doesn’t have the skills to handle discomfort maturely.
Now again, we fight against these behaviors so often. But I want you to hear what it would look like if we switched to skill building, because again, we can teach them these skills — these task-related executive functioning skills and the skills required to handle discomfort maturely.
And here’s what it looks like: Instead of endless battles to get out the door, they would be able to plan, start and follow through on getting ready, because they’d know how.
Instead of falling apart when you’d said no, they’d still be disappointed, but they’d have mastered strategies to recover and move forward.
Instead of collapsing after a mistake, they’d say, “Oh, that stinks,” and try again.
When the skills are there, the behavior looks completely different… so teaching them skills is more effective!
But again, to me it’s more important than that because when we don’t see that this is an issue with missing skills, when we see these behaviors as choices or misbehavior, we fight, we punish, we feel guilty.
But when we see them as missing skills, we teach them how to do better.
That reduces the drama in the short term, but in the long term, it’s what builds their confidence, their self-esteem, and strengthens our relationship.
Because ultimately our job isn’t to control every behavior. It’s to give our kids the tools they need to handle life.
And when we see behavior through the lens of missing skills, we know what to teach. That’s how we raise kids who don’t just behave better in the moment, but who grow into resilient, confident people in the future.
Now if you’d like to know more about these skills, I’m going to be talking a little bit more about some specific ones in my upcoming free workshop. I am really going to emphasize how to build your kids’ skills and their confidence so they can do hard things and be proud that they did hard things.
Again, this workshop, again, this free workshop is called “Stop Working So Hard to Get Your Child To Calm Down,” and you can find the details about it on the show notes for this episode at Rachel-bailey.com/358.
Thanks for listening, and I’ll see you again soon.
FREE WORKSHOP: Stop Working So Hard to Get Your Kids to Calm Down
Other free resources to help you raise kids with big emotions
