Episode 351 Transcript
Hello, it is Rachel and welcome to episode 351 of Your Parenting Long Game.
Today’s episode is about something surprisingly simple, but honestly, it is one of the hardest things for most of us, including me, to do as parents. And this “something” is to say nothing when our kids are upset.
I know it sounds almost irresponsible for us to say nothing when our kids are upset. We’re supposed to do something when our child is melting down, right?
But really in so many moments, especially when our kids are upset in Yuck, the best thing you can do is say absolutely nothing.
So stick with me here; by the end of the episode, you will understand why your silence can be the most powerful support you can offer and what you can do if your child asks you why you’re not saying anything.
Let’s dig a little deeper into this by considering a situation: Imagine your child gets upset. Maybe they made a mistake. Maybe a sibling touches their stuff. Maybe you say no to something they really wanted.
And what do we do when they’re upset about this?
If they made a mistake or someone touches their stuff, we say something like, “It’s okay. It’s not a big deal.” Or “Don’t worry, we can fix it.”
Maybe we even do the thing we’ve been told to do: We validate, saying something like, “You’re feeling frustrated right now. I know.”
But instead of calming down, what usually happens? \They get more upset.
If you validate and say something like “You’re feeling frustrated,” they say, “No I’m not!” or “You don’t get it,” or “Stop talking to me!”
It feels so backwards because we’re trying to help and it makes things worse…which is really confusing because we hear all the time that we’re supposed to validate our kids’ feelings!
And in theory it makes sense. Kids do want to feel seen and heard.
But here’s the catch: When kids have big emotions and they’re already overwhelmed, they’re filled with Yuck and they often don’t want to talk about their feelings.
Imagine you are embarrassed about a mistake you made at work and someone at work comes up to you and says, “You’re feeling really embarrassed, huh?” That doesn’t actually feel better. Most of us would just want that person at work to just stop talking!
It’s the same thing with our kids, especially kids with big emotions.
Another reason that what we say usually backfires is because we often do get it wrong. We think they’re mad, but maybe they’re really embarrassed. Or we think they’re sad, but they’re really feeling disappointed.
Or even if we get it right, very honestly, by the time they’re already in Yuck and feeling an uncomfortable emotion, they’re automatically going to disagree with whatever we say.
This is how Yuck works. When we are in Yuck, we are defensive closed off, — quick to argue and disagree.
But there is another option when they’re upset… And that is to say nothing.
So let’s play this out with an example.
Let’s say your child is working really hard on a drawing. They accidentally do something that they didn’t want to do. They make a mistake and they slam their pencil down saying, “I made a mistake! I hate my drawing!”
What’s your instinct? Probably to say something comforting like, “It’s still beautiful,” or “You can fix it,” or “It’s okay to make mistakes.” Or, “You’re really frustrated right now, aren’t you?”
But what if instead you just stayed quiet? You don’t rush to fix it. You don’t tell them they’re wrong for feeling how they feel. You just let them have the feeling.
Maybe you sit near them, maybe you nod, maybe you’re near them, but doing something else… maybe you’re still drawing even when they stopped. But you are not saying anything.
Now, if you’re anything like me or most parents, silence can feel wrong in that moment.
We’re terrified that if we don’t say something, we’re being cold…or they’ll just stay upset forever…or we’re agreeing with them that their drawing is the worst drawing ever…or we’re acting like a bad parent who doesn’t care.
But here’s the thing, when we jump into fix, we’re usually doing it for us. It’s our discomfort with their discomfort.
We don’t want them to feel bad and we don’t want to feel helpless, so we try to jump in and make it better.
When you say nothing, you’re actually giving your child the space to do what they need to do: Ride their emotion to the end.
I call this “traveling the Yuck Curve.”
Now remember, the Yuck curve is what happens over time when someone is in Yuck or having an uncomfortable emotion.
That Yuck feeling is going to get bigger, it’s going to reach a peak and it’s going to come down.
If we don’t fuel the Yuck curve with more words or attempts to fix what they’re going through, they travel the Curve more quickly. That feeling leaves sooner.
So in that drawing moment, your child might keep grumbling, “It’s ruined!” Maybe they scribble over it in anger, maybe they even cry.
That’s their Yuck behavior, an indication that they’re in fight or flight.
Most things that you say in that moment when they’re doing those Yuck behaviors will just make them more upset.
If you say “It’s still beautiful,” you don’t convince them that it’s beautiful. They just feel like you don’t get it, and they get more upset.
If you say, “But wait, you can fix it” while their brains are still focused on the mistake, they will not be able to even consider that there actually is a solution and they can fix it in the moment. They’ll just get annoyed.
If you say, “It’s okay to make mistakes!” when they’re upset about their mistake, they just feel like you’re minimizing the big feelings that they’re having in that moment.
But if you say nothing, you are not fueling their fight or flight response.
Their emotion flows through and eventually it runs out of steam. And that big reaction passes faster when we stop trying to talk them out of it.
Now a lot of parents will say, “Okay, but Rachel, what am I actually doing in that moment?”
You are managing your own Yuck. You are managing your discomfort that wants to jump in.
You’re managing your fear that says, “I can’t let them feel this bad.”
You are managing your doubt that says, “I must say the right thing, or I’m failing as a parent.”
So in that moment, stay silent and tell yourself, “This is not a threat. This is a feeling they can experience. It won’t hurt them. It’s not unsafe. It’s just uncomfortable. They’re allowed to feel it. I don’t have to fix it.”
Now what if your child says something to you like, “Why aren’t you saying anything?” The only thing you have to say to that is, “You know what? Nothing I say right now is going to make you feel better. So I’m just going to stay here near you.”
They’re not going to be happy about that. They’re still on the Yuck curve.
You say that so that you’re responding and not ignoring them when they ask that question. But you’re also not trying to make them feel okay with the fact that you’re not saying anything.
This is all really just about helping them feel that they are safe so they can naturally travel the Yuck curve.
So let’s put this together in another quick example. Let’s say your child comes home from school and says, “I hate my teacher. She’s so unfair!”
Your instinct may be to jump in and say, “I’m sure whatever she said, she didn’t mean it that way” or “It’ll be better tomorrow.”
But in that first moment, what if you said nothing? Maybe you just nod or say, “Hmm,” and then you let them rant.
Sometimes when you say nothing, they’ll say everything they need to say.
Sometimes they don’t even need to talk. They just need to stomp around or move their bodies.
And your silence says, “You are safe to feel this. I’m not going to control your feeling. I know you can get through it, and I trust that it won’t hurt you.”
Saying nothing doesn’t fix it immediately, but it helps them get through it more quickly. It removes the fuel.
It gives them the gift of experiencing emotion and letting them actually get through it. So that the Yuck doesn’t stay stuck inside of them.
It also shows your child that feelings are not a threat. They can feel big things, and it doesn’t scare you and it doesn’t have to scare them.
And in the long run, you’re teaching your child that emotions are temporary and survivable, that they don’t need to be rescued every time they’re uncomfortable.
They learn that they can handle the waves of discomfort. And that is worth more than any comforting words you can offer in the heat of the moment.
Because when they learn that they can handle these waves of discomfort, then when they lose a game or don’t get invited to a party, they don’t crumble.
They know disappointment is hard, but they’ll come out the other side.
It also means that when they get frustrated with homework or chores, they don’t panic or scream for someone to fix it.
That also means that when a friend says something unkind, they don’t need you to rush in and make it better. They trust that they can feel the sting and let it pass.
Or when they feel embarrassed or ashamed after a mistake, they don’t spiral. They know they can feel those feelings without being swallowed by them.
And as they grow up, they won’t run from discomfort. They’ll face challenges knowing they’re capable of handling what comes.
So the next time your child is upset, maybe they mess up a drawing or hate their homework or slam a door because you said no.
Remember this: You don’t always have to say the right thing. Most often, the right thing is nothing at all.
Silence isn’t cold. Silence is trust. Silence is strength, and silence is often exactly what your child needs to move through their big feelings and come out the other side a little bit stronger every time.
I hope this gives you permission to say less, breathe more, and trust your child and yourself a little more deeply, because these are Leadership parenting strategies, and that is Long Game parenting.
Now, if you want more resources to help you stay regulated and to help your child learn to handle their Yuck more effectively. I have some resources that go along with this episode. You can find them at Rachel-bailey.com/351.
Thanks for listening, and I’ll see you again soon.
FREE RESOURCE: How to help someone when they’re “in Yuck” (on the Yuck Curve)
