Episode 349 Transcript
Hello, it is Rachel and welcome to episode 349 of Your Parenting Long Game.
Today I want to talk again about one of the foundations of the Long Game method, and that is how to become a powerful, positive influence with your child. Being a powerful, positive influence is the first step toward becoming what I call a Leader Parent. Because a Leader Parent is a powerful, positive influence and also gives their child what they need to succeed .
Now when you are a powerful, positive influence, that means that your child actually wants to follow your lead, not because they’re afraid of you, and not because they’re just trying to please you, but because you are to them a steady, safe, and trustworthy guide in their world.
Being a powerful, positive influence comes down to two things, being confident and being connected. Now, most parents I work with (and I would probably put myself in this category too), we’re pretty good about that connection part.
We care about our kids deeply. We listen, we comfort, we try to be understanding. In fact, sometimes we are too good at that connection side to the point where we get pulled into our kids’ big emotions, their problems and their reactions, and suddenly we are drowning with them.
So connection is something we may need to work on, but usually that part is easier.
What is missing I find in most parents that I work with is confidence. And you’ll know you’re struggling with confidence when you feel helpless to get your child to do something they don’t want to do, like get ready for school or turn off a screen or go to bed. Or you’ll know that you’re not so confident if you aren’t sure what to say or how to say it, you feel really stuck in the moment thinking, “What do I do?” “Is this the right thing?”
Your lack of confidence often comes when you are second guessing yourself or when you’re setting a limit and you’re not sure what to do next. And here’s the thing. You’re probably not going to be able to stay connected if you don’t feel confident.
Without confidence, you’re either tiptoeing around your child’s moods or you’re overcompensating by snapping at them or threatening things that you don’t really mean and feeling guilty later.
And the truth is when we’re not confident, it’s actually hard to stay connected as well, because when you’re not confident, you’re going to go into fight or flight, and your fight or flight response is going to prevent you from staying connected to your child.
So today I want to share a simple phrase that is just six words that will help you with both connection and confidence in hard moments. And that phrase is, “Don’t be weak, but don’t be a jerk.”
That actually tells you exactly what to do to be both confident and connected.
So let me break that down a little bit.
Don’t be weak: The first part of that phrase means don’t doubt yourself. Don’t tell yourself or act like you are helpless. Now in my programs, I teach parents to reduce feelings of helplessness by creating what I call “when-then plans” so they know how to handle any situation.
For example, if your child refuses to brush their teeth or get off of their device or stay in bed, you know exactly what to do, and your plan includes what is in your control so that you can follow through every single time.
That builds your confidence. You’re going to know what to do, and you’re going to know that you can do it.
Often when-then plans that I teach in my programs are about thinking about what kids need in that moment and offering it to them. But it almost doesn’t matter what your when-then plan is.
You have to have one though. Because when you have a plan and it focuses on something that you can do, you can stop telling yourself or believing that you are powerless because you are not.
There’s so much more in your control than you think and the more you believe that, the more influence you have with your child. So again, “don’t be weak” means giving yourself what you need so that you don’t feel or act like you are helpless.
Now, “don’t be a jerk” means genuinely care about what your child is going through, even if they’re having big reactions or doing something you don’t like. And I’m not talking about that dismissive, “I check the box to show I care” where you say something like, “I know you’re upset, but…”
That is not genuinely caring. That’s you just saying what you think they’re feeling so that you can move on to your agenda.
In these moments, to truly not be a jerk, you have to actually understand what they’re going through, that they’re overwhelmed or lacking skills, and recognize their struggle, even while you hold the limit.
So not being a jerk doesn’t mean that you’re giving in, it just means that you are setting a strong limit and caring about the fact that it affects them, rather than getting angry or frustrated or anxious about their response.
So let me show you what I mean by “don’t be weak, but don’t be a jerk” in real example.
Let’s say your child is refusing to put away their tablet and they’re melting down. Being weak looks like you, acting like they have the power, saying things like, “sweetheart, it’s time to turn it off now,” or even, “What’s a better time for you to turn off your tablet?”
Being weak could also look like you giving up and letting them have extra time because you’re too exhausted to deal with the pushback.
On the other hand, “being a jerk” looks like you snapping, “Give me that! I’m sick of this attitude. You’ve now lost your screen time for the rest of the week!”
What “don’t be weak, don’t be a jerk” looks like is in that moment, you take a breath, you remember that you have a plan and you can follow through because that plan is in your control.
And then you approach them with connection and confidence. You may say something like,” I see you’re not at a stopping point. Since screen time is over, though, the wifi does need to be shut off. Now, let me know if you want to talk to me about that game you were playing.”
You are regulated, you are firm and you stay confident, knowing that your child is very likely going to have a reaction to that, but you know you can handle their reaction, and you’re not getting angry that they’re reacting.
You are caring that the reason they’re reacting is that they are struggling. That is confident and connected. That is you not being weak because you’re following through with the limit, but it’s also not being a jerk because you’re caring about how the limit affects them.
Here’s another example. Let’s say your child says, “I hate you. You’re the worst parent ever” because you won’t buy them something at the store. Being weak would be you feeling guilty and doubtful and saying, “oh, okay, just this once, I’ll buy it for you.”
Or you’re defending yourself. “I do so much for you. How can you say that?” Because very honestly, being defensive is a sign of weakness. When we’re strong and confident, we don’t feel the need to defend ourselves.
Being a jerk would be, “Why did you even ask me that? I told you that you couldn’t have anything when we got into the store.”
Being a jerk means you don’t care about the fact that, yes, you may have told them that, but they still have an impulse to ask for something, and they’re struggling to fight that impulse.
Being not weak and not a jerk may sound something like, “I’m not buying any candy today. And it makes sense that you’d be mad.” And then at that point you would know that that wouldn’t just stop their emotion.
Their emotion would probably continue to happen, and you’d know with confidence that you could handle it and you would care that the emotion is happening because they’re struggling.
So you don’t back down. But you also don’t get mad at the words that they’re saying. You just hold steady/
So now that you’ve heard examples, I want to talk about why it’s so important not to be weak and not to be a jerk. So remember, your goal is to be a powerful, positive influence.
Being weak means you’re not that POWERFUL influence and it doesn’t work because it teaches your child that you don’t believe in your own words.
And if you don’t believe in your own words, why should they? If you don’t believe you’re in charge, why would they?
Inside when you are weak, it makes them feel less secure, which creates more yuck and more negative behaviors.
Now, being a jerk means you’re not that POSITIVE part of being a powerful positive influence.
Being a jerk means that you’re implying that your agenda matters more than their feelings, and that also puts them into yuck and more negative behaviors.
When kids feel like we don’t get them or care about what they’re going through, they dig deeper, fight harder, or they shut down and internalize that yuck more quickly.
So the next time you’re wondering, “How do I want to respond to my child’s emotions or behavior?” Remember, “don’t be weak, but don’t be a jerk.”
And you can be asking yourself, “Am I being weak? Am I doubting myself, wondering, ‘what do I do now?’ Am I telling myself I’m helpless?”
If you are, what you need to do is decide what you’re going to do and stick with it. Even if it doesn’t work, you stick with it. Learn from it, and modify it for the next time.
But you need to focus on what you will do and follow through so you don’t feel helpless, and you don’t appear weak.
You can also ask yourself, “Am I being a jerk? Am I ignoring? Getting annoyed by or not caring about what my child is going through?”
If so, you want to shift — Instead of trying to control your child or imply that what you want matters more than their perspective, you can and should consider what they’re going through.
Consider that they’re in yuck and they’re missing some skills. Just remember they have an agenda too, and it matters to them.
And caring that it matters to them does not mean that you give in to them. It just means that you care and they can sense that energy.
So I want to share another quick story of a family I supported recently.
They had a child who would have a meltdown every single morning before camp, especially before getting dressed, and this child’s mom would do everything for him, laying out three outfits, letting him pick which outfits, changing him multiple times, basically being weak because she didn’t want to deal with his fight.
Or on her tired days, she’d just lose it and she ended up being really mean in those moments, yelling, “Fine, if you can’t get dressed, you are going to camp in your pajamas.” And she would storm out of the room.
So we worked on this idea, “don’t be weak, but don’t be a jerk.” And what she did was she made a plan about what she’d do, and she told him what her plan would be.
They talked about this plan and then she followed through with the plan.
Now, he tested her at first, but when he tested her, she did not get angry. She had prepared herself that this might be hard for him, but she also didn’t act weak. She followed through regardless of what his reaction was. He was testing her. She knew it, and she still followed through.
So it took a few days of this, but he started taking her seriously, making a decision not only about whether he wanted her to be there or not, but about what outfit he would choose.
She’d shown him that she was powerful. She made a plan and followed through with confidence.
And she was connected. She gave him what he needed. She knew the plan. She told him the plan. She gave him some control.
She gave him some engagement as he was getting dressed, and she cared about the fact that this new way of doing things was hard for him.
And her influence didn’t just increase in this situation, but it increased in others as well.
And the good news is because her influence increased, that meant when it was time to teach him strategies so that he could be more independent, even with his own yuck, he was more open to listening to her.
That’s the second part of being a leader parent, is using your influence to teach children to be independently resilient.
So here’s what I want you to remember. When you hold this balance, not being weak, but not being a jerk, you become a powerful, positive influence that your child can trust.
This means you’ll notice fewer daily battles and meltdowns. And mornings, bedtimes, and mealtimes can stop feeling like a constant tug of war.
You can also spend less energy walking on eggshells or second guessing yourself. In the long term, this approach teaches your child something far more valuable than just behaving.
They learn that limits are safe, not scary, harsh, or negotiable. They learn how to handle feelings like frustration and disappointment in healthy ways instead of melting down or pushing back harder.
They trust that you mean what you say and that you care about how they feel. So they’re more likely to come to you when life gets tough, even as they grow older.
And for you, you know you’ve built a relationship where you don’t have to rely on bribes or threats or guilt to get your child to listen because they respect you and they feel respected in return.
This creates a more peaceful home now and a strong trusting connection that lasts into the teen years and beyond.
Try it out. Notice, “Am I being weak? Am I being a jerk?” And if you say yes to either one, and you want more strategies to help you reduce either being weak or being a jerk, this is what I teach inside the Leadership Parenting Academy.
I teach step-by-step processes to build your confidence, build your connection, and then eventually help you teach your children to be independently resilient because you can use your influence to get them there. Information about the Leadership Parenting Academy as well as a free resource for this episode are available on the show notes at Rachel-bailey.com/349.
Thanks for listening, and I’ll see you again soon.
FREE RESOURCE: How to raise children with big emotions with HEALTHY SELF ESTEEM
