Episode 345 Transcript
Hello, it is Rachel and welcome to episode 345 of Your Parenting Long Game.
One of the things that I teach in my programs — not surprisingly, that parents love the most — is how to give their children strategies to be able to maturely handle the fact that life isn’t always going to go the way they want it to.
I teach parents how to teach their kids to think more flexibly so that, for example, they don’t have a meltdown when they thought they’d be able to have an extra dessert and a parent tells them no.
I teach parents how to teach their kids to solve problems so that if, for example, they lose their cleats when they’re trying to get ready for soccer practice, they don’t run around frantically searching, yelling at everyone around them who isn’t stopping everything to help them look.
I also teach parents how to give their kids strategies so that they can handle discomfort so that, for example, they can do things they don’t feel like doing, like doing their homework or putting away their clothes.
And when I teach parents to work with their children on these skills, I talk about how to make it more likely that their children will want to use these strategies. (I personally used to work with resistant teens, so I know how to chip away at all of the reasons kids aren’t motivated to think flexibly or cope more maturely or do things they don’t feel like doing.)
But here’s the thing, our kids are not robots. So even when we know how to teach them these skills and know how to make it more likely that our kids will be motivated, they do still sometimes have a snarky response for us, even before they’re teenagers!
And sometimes that snarky response comes when we’re actually trying to work with them to help them get through hard things. So let’s say you’re talking to your child about doing something they don’t feel like doing, like doing their homework. One of the more respectful things you can do when you’re talking to a child about something they hate is, instead of saying, “You just have to do your homework,” you say, “Tell me what you hate about doing homework, so we can make it a little less miserable.”
The truth is that invitation to complain often does go really well. And as I’ve said in a previous episode (that I will link to), often kids’ complaints are the exact thing we need to find solutions.
But sometimes when we say to our kids, “Tell me what you hate about it so we can make it a little less miserable,” instead of saying something like, “It’s boring,” so we can help them figure out how to do boring things…they’ll give you snarky response.
And again, this is not just a response you’re going to hear from a teenager. You probably have heard this from a younger child as well. So when you’re trying to be nice to them, figure out what’s going on for them, they may say something like, “I don’t know, homework is just dumb. Why are you even asking me?”
Enter the snark: Those irritable, almost judgmental responses that they have, even when all we are trying to do is help.
And usually when that happens, we do one or both of these things. We either freeze because we don’t know how to react, so we sit there wondering what to say in response, or we react automatically with a response like, “I’m just trying to help!” or “Don’t talk to me like that!”
Neither one of these things helps very much.
But there is a more effective way to handle these snarky responses, and I’m going to tell you about it and give you examples in just a minute.
Before I do, I want to remind you that I have lots of resources for you as you are raising a child with big emotions who may be snarky toward you, or maybe even say mean things about themselves, on the show notes for this episode. I will have a brief summary of the strategy I’m going to teach you plus the examples.
I’ll also have a link to the Leadership Parenting Academy if you want to join, to learn how to teach your kids these flexible thinking and problem-solving skills so they don’t melt down, shut down, or become disrespectful to themselves or others when they’re in Yuck. You’ll see those resources and others on the show notes at Rachel-bailey.com/345.
In the meantime, let’s talk about how we respond when kids do say things like, “This is dumb” or “Why are you even asking me?” Again, I’m going to go a little bit deeper into what we usually do and why it doesn’t work.
First, we get defensive. We don’t think what we’re saying is stupid, so we feel like we have to explain to them why it’s not stupid. But here’s a little hint: We don’t have to explain to them why it’s not stupid. We don’t have to convince them to be okay with what we’re doing,
Or we feel helpless and hopeless having no idea how to respond. And here’s a little hint for you: You don’t have to respond in a way that gets them to do anything.
You want to respond based on what is in your control, and you will see an example of this very shortly.
And lastly, we tend to get mad at their “rude behavior.” And here’s a little hint: That behavior is their yuck behavior. And addressing it in that moment is not going to change that behavior.
So again, we don’t have to convince them that what we’re trying to do is help them. We don’t have to get them to change their behavior in the moment.
With that in mind, here’s what you want to stop doing.
You want to stop trying to convince them that it isn’t stupid. In that moment, they won’t hear or believe it.
You want to stop telling them that their behavior’s unacceptable. Stop saying things like, “You can’t talk to me like that.” Just saying those words isn’t a magic wand that stops their behavior.
Even punishing them in that moment won’t stop it because it doesn’t teach them the skills to manage their yuck better the next time so they can act more respectful.
And you want to stop feeling out of control and believing there’s nothing you can do because there is something you can do.
I want to teach you a strategy called “Meet them, focus on you, and offer a redo.”
So let me show you what this looks like with the example of your child saying, “This is dumb. Why are you even asking me what I don’t like about homework?” The first thing you do is you meet them where they are.
You say, “Yeah, that was kind of a dumb question for you, wasn’t it?”
This is very different than telling them it wasn’t dumb. This is just meeting them where they are. It’s not necessarily that you’re agreeing with them that it was a dumb question. You’re saying, “Yeah, I can see how you would think this is dumb.” So that’s meeting them where they are.
The next thing you want to do is decide what you will do. So remember this conversation was about homework and you were trying to talk to them about what they didn’t like, but they don’t want to engage with that conversation.
So you’d say something like this instead. “Okay, here’s what I’m going to do. If your homework isn’t done, I’m going to let your friend’s mom know that we can’t come to their house until it’s done.” This is not a threat, it’s just a matter of fact this is what’s going to happen.
There are other episodes of the podcast where I go deeper into effective limit setting, and I’ll post those in the show notes at Rachel-bailey.com/345.
So, so far you’ve met them where they are told them what you’ll do and then if you want, you can give them a redo. You can give them an opportunity to come back later. You can say to them, “If you do want to talk more about this so you can get your homework done more easily and be able to go to your friend’s house, just let me know.” Then you drop it, you’re done.
You’ve met them where they are. You’ve told them what you will do, and you’ve given them an opportunity to come back later.
What is in your control is your response. Your response can be from their world saying, yeah, “You do think that’s dumb. Okay.” What is in your control is the action you take. You’re going to tell them what you’re going to do based on their behavior, and giving them a chance to come back later and do a redo that’s in your control.
You can give them that chance. This all “works” regardless of what their response is because you continue to focus on what is in your control, not on controlling them or getting them to stop.
So let me give you a couple of other examples. As I’ve said before, I believe we should work with our kids to find solutions. And one of the things I suggest parents do is talk to their kids about what do you think I, as your parent, should do if you’re not doing what you’re supposed to do?
So let’s say you say to your child, “If you don’t put away the dishes, what do you think I should do?” And maybe your child says something like, “I don’t know” n that snarky tone.
Here’s how you’d respond using this strategy of “meet them, focus on you and offer a redo.”
What you’d say is, “Yeah, you might not know what I should do if you don’t put away the dishes.” That’s meeting them.
Then you’d say, “Okay, here’s what I’m going to do. If you don’t put away the dishes…” and you let them know.
Then you can say, “If you don’t like my idea, or if you have another idea, just let me know.” So again, you’re giving them that opportunity to come back and offer something else.
Here’s one more quick example. Let’s say your child is struggling with homework and you say to them, “Hey, I think you should go talk to your teacher.” And they say something snarky like, “Oh, you’re so annoying.”
Again, this is a yuck behavior, not a great yuck behavior. We definitely need to address that, but in this moment you can’t address it.
What you want to do instead is meet them where they are, tell them what you’re going to do and offer a redo.
So when they tell you, “Oh, you’re so annoying,” you could say, “Yeah, I guess this is annoying. If you didn’t ask me for my opinion, I can see why you wouldn’t want me to give it to you.”
Then focus on what you’re going to do. You can say, “Okay, I’m going to stop now. I’m not going to offer any more suggestions.”
Then you’re going to offer a redo. Say, “If you do want solutions for how to deal with this, just let me know.” I’ll be over there. And then you walk away.
The more you leave it up to them to come to you, the more likely they are to come to you to do that redo.
So you are meeting them where they are, you’re telling them what you’re going to do, and then you’re offering them an opportunity to come back, either then or later.
Remember, their snarky responses are their yuck behaviors. When they’re in yuck, nothing snaps them out of it and makes them all of a sudden act more positive or more respectful.
What does help them get out of yuck more quickly is when someone sees where they are. That’s why you’re meeting them where they are…not necessarily what you agree with, but where they are.
And then while you’re waiting for them to get out of this Yuck, what do you do as a parent? You focus on what is in your control because when you stay out of their yuck, they get out of it and back to more respectful behavior more quickly.
And then the icing on the cake so that they’re not feeling helpless when you’re focusing on you (which could make them feel helpless)…what you do to make them feel less helpless is you give them an opportunity to do a redo or talk about it later.
That means they do know they have some control, and the truth is when they come back to you, they’re more open to you because it’s on their terms and not yours.
This strategy is respectful to them. You’re connected with them. This also makes it more likely that they’re going to be open to learning the skills they need, like flexible thinking and problem solving and coping with discomfort.
And that’s part of leadership parenting, leading your children to a place of independent resilience by teaching them how to do better.
Now of course, this is going to be more difficult if you are in a bad place yourself. So the Leadership Parenting Academy also gives you the strategies to reduce your yuck as well, no matter what is happening around you.
As a Leader Parent, you are in charge. Not your emotions, not your yuck or your child’s yuck. That’s what happens when you have leadership parenting strategies. That is long game parenting.
Now, again, if you want free resources that will help with some of the smaller strategies I address today. Or if you want to put all of this together in a step-by-step plan. All of the resources to be able to do that are on the show notes for this episode. The Leadership Parenting Academy is where everything is put together for you. But if you want to take smaller steps for now, there are resources for that as well.
So check that out at Rachel-Bailey.com/345. Thanks for listening, and I’ll see you again soon.
