Episode 339 Transcript
Hello, it is Rachel and welcome to episode 339 of Your Parenting Long Game.
The first part in becoming a Leader Parent and getting the long game results that we all want is that we have to become a powerful positive influence with our kids.
We can’t lead them if we don’t influence them in a positive way. In past episodes, I’ve talked a lot about how we leak influence and how to plug those influence leaks. Today, I’m going to talk about two simple words that you can use that will increase your influence very easily.
First, let me talk about what I mean by being an influence.
The definition of an influence very simply is that you have an effect on someone else.
As a powerful positive influence, you can diffuse situations more easily in the moment when they’re not going well. You can be someone who your child listens to when you ask them to do something like clean up or go take a shower.
And as a powerful positive influence, you’re someone your child wants to learn from, which is important because a Leader Parent teaches children how to become the best version of themselves. So if we want to teach them to become the best version of themselves, they have to be open to learning from us.
So what that means practically is, for example, when your child is melting down because you told them that you didn’t have the ingredients to make the dinner they wanted. If you’re not a powerful positive influence, most of what you say is going to make them more upset. But when you are a powerful positive influence, you’re going to know what to say and do to help them get out of that yuck more quickly.
Or another example, let’s say you want to talk to your child about how they really do need to clean up their room at least once a week. When you’re not a powerful positive influence, you’re probably going to mention it to them and they’ll shut down or get upset. But when you are a powerful positive influence, while your child’s not going to be happy that they’re going to have to clean their room, they’re willing to listen to you and brainstorm ways to more easily get through that task that they don’t feel like doing.
Does that sound good?
Now again, I’m going to tell you more about becoming a powerful positive influence using two simple words, but I also want to remind you that I will have a summary and the examples from this episode on a resource that you can get for free.
That’s going to be on my show notes for the episode as well as well as other resources, including upcoming free live events where you can dive deeper into strategies that will help you as you are raising a child with big emotions.
All that information can be found on my website at www.Rachel-bailey.com/339.
Let’s talk a little bit more about what actually makes a powerful positive influence. There are two qualities.
And those are that a powerful positive influence is connected to their child and they are confident as they are setting limits or helping their child through a big emotion.
So let’s start with that first piece of being a powerful positive influence, connection. If we, if our children don’t feel connected to us, we will not be able to influence them.
So here’s an example. Let’s say you are not getting along with your friend lately and they tell you that they want to talk to you about it. And you know that they’re probably going to ask you to change something about yourself because things just haven’t been working lately.
Now, I’m going to show you how your friend can approach you in two different ways, and I want you to think about which one is more likely to influence you.
In the first way, they are not connected. In fact, they start the conversation immediately telling you what you are doing wrong and why you need to change and why the issues you’ve been having in your friendship are your fault.
So when they start a conversation that way, are you going to want to change? Or will you just get defensive and dig deeper into your perspective?
But let’s say they approach you a different way. Instead of telling you what you did wrong, they start the conversation with, “Hey, I know we haven’t been getting along lately, and I’m sure I’ve contributed to that. I would love to hear how things have been going for you.”
So they start the conversation by connecting with you, by listening to you, by caring about what you are going through. Now after they’ve listened to you and really cared about what you were going through, then let’s say they do ask you to change. Are you likely to be influenced by them when you feel connected with them?
Probably you’ll be influenced… or at the very least you’ll get a lot less defensive.
Because as humans, we see connection as safety and when we feel safe, we’re open to changing. We see lack of connection as dangerous and all we’ll do is protect our own point of view. We will not be influenced by someone else.
Children need to feel connected in order to be influenced.
Now the other piece of being a powerful positive influence is confidence. If we are not confident, we are not going to influence our children.
So here’s another example. Let’s say you are looking for a travel agent to book you a trip. And you’re looking at a number of different travel agents, so they’re going to have to sell themselves to you. They’re going to have to influence you.
So let’s say you talk to one travel agent, and you talk to them about what kind of vacation you want to go on. You tell them what kind of tours you want to do and where you want to stay. And they say a little bit timidly, they think they can get you into the specific hotel you want. And they think they can get you on a certain tour.
And when you push them a little, because you’re going to be spending money after all and you want to be sure they’re a good fit…when you question them though, they become anxious and upset.
First, they’re not sure that they know how to get you what you need, and then when you push them a little bit, they become less confident.
Let’s say there’s another travel agent. You tell them how you want your vacation to be, where you want to stay, and they say, “Oh, I’ll get you into that hotel. I’ll get you onto this tour.” You push a little bit and you say, “Are you sure you can get me into that hotel and onto that tour?”
And they say, “Yes, here’s why you can trust me.” And it’s not even just the evidence that they give you, but their tone. You can tell that they are confident, that they know that they can handle that situation.
Which one is going to influence you more? The first, who is less confident? Or the second, who is more confident that they can handle the situation?
Very likely the second will influence you more.
So to be a powerful positive influence with our children, we have to be confident and connected. And although there are quite a few strategies that you can use to connect better and be more confident, I will also tell you that there are two simple words that can get you started.
Those words are “because.” And “since.”
“Because” is the word of connection.
Of course I’m going to give you an example and I want to rewind to that example I used a little bit earlier where you have a child who melted down because you didn’t have the ingredients to make their favorite dinner. If you’re not connected with your child in that moment, you’re very likely going to say something like “Well, I couldn’t get the ingredients!” and you’ll tell them how busy your day was or the store didn’t have it, explaining what’s going on for you.
Or maybe when your child gets upset that you don’t have the ingredients, you try to validate them and say something like, “I know you’re upset, but I can make it another night.” Where you’re trying to get them to be less upset by cheering them up. Neither one of these attempts is connecting.
Connection is about the other person feeling like you get them, you care about their perspective. This means you actually have to get into their world. And using the word “because” forces you to get into their world.
So you could say something like, “You’re upset that I didn’t have the ingredients because you’d been looking forward to this meal all week long and now you have to eat something you like less.” When you add “because,” you’re getting further and further into their world and they feel it. And when they sense that, it increases your influence.
Now this does not mean that you say, “Okay, you’re upset because X, Y, Z, so fine, I’ll go to the store.”
Not at all. This is where confidence comes in. Confidence shows them that you know they feel something, and yet there is still a limit.
And this is where the word “since” comes in.
“Since” is your confidence word.
So, you’ve just said “You’re upset because you’ve been looking forward to this dinner, and now you have to have something you like less.” Now, you add the word “since,” which reinforces the limit.
So next you say, “Since we can’t have your favorite dinner tonight…” And you say it firmly and you are reiterating that there is a limit, that just because they have feelings about it, it doesn’t mean everything is going to change.
Now, I would suggest saying something like, “Since we can’t have your favorite dinner tonight, it’s okay to be upset,” showing your confidence that you can handle their feeling.
Or you could say, “Since we can’t have your favorite dinner tonight, do you want to talk about what I am making so that you’re prepared for it?”
The key to being firm, though, is showing that you are strong enough that even though you understand and respect and really care about their feeling and you’ve been in their world, you can still enforce the limit.
The beauty of the word “since” is that it is clear that there is no wiggle room. Like, this limit is going to happen. “Since we can’t have your favorite dinner…” or “Since you have to get off of your device…” or “Since it’s time for bed…”
You are showing that the limit is going to happen and you are enforcing it with confidence.
So remember those two words, “because” and “since,” show connection and confidence.
I want to give you a couple more examples of this.
And as I read this to you, I want you to think about what this would feel like for you if you were a child hearing this from your parent. You’ll notice that these statements demonstrate both connection and confidence.
So here’s one if your child is resisted to doing homework. You might say, “Homework is the last thing you want to do because you’d rather be with your friends. They’re all out playing right now. Since it is time to do your homework, do you want to get started so you can get out to your friends sooner?”
Another example, let’s say your child is anxious about going back to school after they’ve been gone for a while. Maybe they were sick and they’re going back after a few days and you can tell they’re upset about it.
You could say something like, “It’s hard to go back after a while because you’ve been home for so long and let’s be honest, home is more fun than school. Since you do have to go back, do you want to talk about how to make it easier to walk through that door when the time comes?”
And then you can work with them to find solutions because it is going to happen.
So remember, a powerful positive influence is confident in setting limits and handling emotions and they also care about what it’s like from their child’s point of view.
They’re not changing the limit because the child is upset, but they’re also not getting upset that a child is upset. They’re connected enough to know that these feelings are hard. And they’re confident enough to know that both they and their child can handle it.
When you use this “because-since” strategy, your child feels respected because you’ve respected them. And they also know that you are strong enough and can protect them. You care about them, but you are not giving in.
Now you are someone who’s more safe, which helps you diffuse situations more quickly. And you are someone who is strong, and that makes it more likely that they are going to listen to you and want to learn from you. And this means that you are going to influence them in a powerful, positive way.
This is a Leadership Parenting strategy, and this is Long Game parenting.
Now again, if you want a summary of this episode as well as the examples I provided, and you want to find other resources that will help you as you are raising a child with big emotions, you can find all of that on my website at www.Rachel-bailey.com/339.
Thanks for listening. And I’ll see you again soon.
