Episode 333 Transcript

Hello, it is Rachel, and welcome to episode 333 of your Parenting Long Game. I will tell you that I always try to be real with parents I work with… real about the fact that even though I teach parenting strategies for a living, I am far from a perfect parent myself. I’m very transparent about that.

And with that in mind, I want to start this episode with something I did as a parent that I’m not proud of, and I want to tell you how I handled it when I messed up so badly.

Because remember, it is inevitable that we’re going to do things that we regret as parents. And I think we have to take the pressure off of ourselves of trying to do everything right all the time.

I actually love this quote by Kendra Hennessy. She says, “Can we stop expecting moms to exhaust themselves trying to be and do all the things all the time for all the people? We’re humans, not Swiss Army knives.”

I love that quote because I think we need to stop trying so hard. We need to be okay with messing up. And the good news is that there are simple actions we can take to address our mistakes in a way that actually strengthens our relationships with our kids.

And I think it’s so much easier to know that we can recover from mistakes than to try to do things right all the time.

So I’ve talked a lot about Leadership Parenting lately and I can promise you that the situation I’m about to tell you… I did not handle this situation using Leadership Parenting strategies or like a Leader Parent.

But I will also tell you how I recovered from that situation using Leadership Parenting strategies and how these strategies can help you take the pressure off of yourself if you do things that you regret as a parent, which basically means if you’re human.

So first, let me start with the story. My kids were a little younger when this happened, but it was a weekend and I had a really exhausting week. The kids were playing, noisily I might add (which is a trigger of mine… I cannot stand a lot of noise). And they were being loud and the kitchen was a mess, which is, by the way, another trigger of mine.

I was starting to clean the kitchen by putting the dishes away from the dishwasher. But I noticed that there were a few things on the table that my kids had left there… things I had asked them to take away a couple of times already.

So I called over to them as they were playing, “Hey, can you please put those things away?” And my older daughter said, “Yeah, just give us a minute, let us finish, and we will.”

Well, I’m already thinking in my mind, from my world, “Um, okay, I’m trying to clean up here after everyone, I’ve already asked you to take that stuff away, it will only take you one second. You can stop playing!”

I was not seeing the situation from their perspective, which is one of the first mistakes I made, because Leader Parents do see things from other people’s perspectives as well. But I was really stuck in my world. I was reinforcing in my mind why they needed to stop playing, go get what was on the table and help me clean up.

So my story in my mind was already making me more upset. But I didn’t say anything. I just kept unloading the dishwasher. Now as I was getting close to finishing my unloading, I heard them laughing and I said, “Okay, that is it. Can you please put those things away now?”

I know I also tried to pretend to be respectful because I think I said something like, “You can play when you’re done.” But honestly, I said it angrily and not respectfully.

Well, the reply from the other room just did me in because my daughter said to me in sort of a snarky tone, She said, “We’re coming. Why do you always ask us to do everything?”

Now, I’m going to warn you, I did not handle this well. I was holding a plate in my hand and I slammed that plate onto the counter. Then I turned to my daughter and I said, “Are you serious right now?”

And I believe I yelled a few more things.

And at some point I finally noticed the broken dish around me and the absolutely petrified look on my daughter’s face. My other daughter at that point was also crying. My husband, who was in the other room, came running in and said, “What is going on?”

And I turned to look. And then I really registered what was going on. My “strong willed” daughter was now screaming at me. My “sensitive” daughter had gone to the corner of the room and she was sobbing.

Now they were not in the same room when I slammed that plate down. We had an open, at the time we had an open family room kitchen and they were in the family room and I was in the kitchen. So there’s no way they could have gotten hurt.

Regardless, I will obviously not win any parenting awards for that moment.

Now in hindsight, it was easy for me to see what was going on for me and for them. But in that moment, I was so far from being a Leader Parent because remember again, one of the qualities of a Leader Parent is that they look beneath the behavior to meet needs – both their kids’ and their own.

I wasn’t caring about what was going on for my kids. And I definitely wasn’t meeting my needs. So what happened, which is also the opposite of a Leader Parent, is that I was controlled by my Yuck, and I regretted it pretty quickly.

After that situation, at first my Yuck increased. I continued to be controlled by my Yuck. I was anxious, worrying about how much emotional damage I’d done to my kids. I thought about the fact that I’m supposed to be a model for how to handle big emotions, and I failed big time.

Because I am someone who naturally turns my Yuck in instead of out on others, I spent a while beating myself up.

But eventually I got myself out of this, and I did this using Leadership Parenting strategies. And I did this using Leadership Parenting strategies that I want to share with you. But before I do, I also want to tell you that I appreciate you listening to me as I am vulnerable in front of you, admitting my mistakes. And I will continue to always be honest.

With that in mind, I’m going to do a new live power hour, which is an event I do where I give you a closer look about what’s likely going on in your child’s world without making you feel bad about it. The whole point of this power hour is to empower you to understand what’s going on for your child, so you can give them and you what you need.

Now the topic of this next power hour is “How to Boost the Confidence of Children With Big Emotions.” But even if that event is over, you’ll find a link on the show notes to all of my power hours. And they’ll probably be a topic that is very relevant to you as you are raising a child with big emotions.

You can find more information about these power hours and some other resources on my show notes at www.Rachel-bailey.com/333.

But for now I want to get back to what I did to address this situation after the fact.

Now I will tell you that my go to for any situation where I have a lot of anxiety is to create a plan. Plans really reduce anxiety because we’re telling our brains that we do know what to do and things are going to be okay.

So I created a plan that focused on action that was in my control.

And I recognize that I may not have handled the situation like a Leader Parent, but I knew it was in my control to handle my mistake like a Leader Parent.

And one of the qualities, as I’ve mentioned, of a Leader Parent is that we can experience uncomfortable feelings of Yuck without being controlled by them.

So I was controlled by my Yuck in the moment, but outside of the moment, instead of continuing to wallow in what I did wrong, I said to myself, “What can I do now that feels right?” and I literally went and looked at a list of my Leadership Parenting strategies (because I personally need a visual cue to remind me what to do).

And I used one or two of these strategies. So one of the ones I used is a strategy I’ve talked about before on this podcast called Connect and Teach.

I spoke to my kids about this situation. I spoke to them individually, one that night and one the next day.

And the first thing I did that’s part of a Leadership Parenting strategy was to ask them what that situation was like for them. Now I did brace myself a little bit for this because I knew they were going to say things that might hurt to hear. Not surprisingly my more “strong willed” child got defensive and told me everything I did wrong.

My more “sensitive” child told me how much what I did scared her, but I knew as a Leader Parent, it was really important for me to see what was going on beneath their behavior, what was going on for them, but also for them to externalize what that situation had been like for them so they didn’t hold on to those feelings.

Now once I did that connection, then we got into the teaching section. And I actually had them teach me a little bit. I told them I was determined to learn from this situation. But I asked them if they could tell me what they think I should have done differently.

And I did that on purpose because I know kids learn really well when they tell us what they think we should do. They learn even better than when we tell them what we think they should do. I asked them each what they think I should have done differently because it was a review for them of coping skills. It reminded them of the possibilities of what someone can do when they are really upset.

So I had connected with them. I also had them teach me, which as a result taught them as well. And that’s why I call this strategy Connect and Teach.

And honestly, just using this strategy, I was able to shift one of my worst parenting moments to one of my most connective and honestly most constructive parenting moments.

My kids actually still joke about this incident, and we talk about it as an example of how not to handle your big emotions, but we do talk about it now laughingly and connectedly, where if we hadn’t processed it this way, they probably would have been more scared and affected by it.

Now, have I slammed a dish down again? No, I haven’t. But have I made other parenting mistakes? Absolutely.

But being a Leader Parent is about modeling, not just modeling the right thing to do when you have a big emotion, but modeling what to do when you make a mistake, modeling that life is not perfect, that we are not perfect because our kids aren’t perfect either and they need to know how to handle that.

They also need to know that in our home, lack of perfection is not judged.

So think about an instance where you’ve done something you regret as a parent.

My guess is that you feel guilty about it. You beat yourself up about it. You say, “Why did I do that? I know what I’m supposed to do. Why can’t I do it?” You probably feel helpless and hopeless.

And obviously if you have those thoughts, you want to acknowledge them.

I also don’t want you to let those thoughts — or the feelings that follow those thoughts – control you because those thoughts don’t help you. They don’t help your kids and you have the power to change things by changing your thoughts and changing your actions.

So again, I do suggest you start by feeling what you feel for a moment. Let it out.

But then I suggest you take another really simple action and ask yourself, “Okay, what can I do now?”

You can also ask yourself now that I’ve made a mistake, “Who do I want to be as a person who’s made a mistake? How do I want to handle this now?”

Now, I gave you a strategy you can absolutely use to handle your mistakes (Connect and Teach), but the other thing I really encourage you to do is recognize that if you keep making mistakes, it’s because you have a lot of Yuck.

As Leader Parents, it is our job to take care of our Yuck so that it does not control us. So ask yourself, if you keep making a lot of mistakes, “What is going on for me? What do I need?”

I did this, and I can tell you that it was right after this plate slamming moment that I started to ask my kids to do more around the house. I became less lenient with our limits because in that moment I was really resentful of them and that was something I needed to take care of. I needed to set more limits.

So again, feel what you feel, but then determine what action is in your control to handle your mistakes and what action is in your control to do better next time. And often that’s going to be about addressing your Yuck.

Because when you start by allowing yourself to release your Yuck, you can return to the values-based part of your brain. You can ask yourself and come up with honest answers about how you want to be as a person and a human who will inevitably make mistakes.

You could also take future action that is aligned with your values and think about the kind of role model you want to be. Not someone who’s perfect, but someone who doesn’t let mistakes or their Yuck control them.

That is you being a Leader Parent, a powerful positive influence who is also able to give your kids what they need. A role model who can make mistakes and know how to learn from them. And that is long game parenting.

Now, I always have resources for you on the show notes for this episode.

If you want a summary of what I went over in this episode, as well as a couple of examples, you can find that on the show notes.

You can also find a link to the free live upcoming events that I’m doing.

And if you want to learn more about Leadership Parenting strategies and how you can get a step-by-step process to becoming a Leader Parent in your home who is not controlled by your Yuck or your child’s Yuck, and who can give your children what they need to be independently resilient, I teach all of that in my Leadership Parenting Academy and the one-on-one version, my Leadership Parenting Success Lab.

All of this is on the show notes for my episode www.Rachel-Bailey.com/333. Thanks for listening and I’ll see you again soon.

Free live “Power Hour” event: How to Boost Confidence in Children with Big Emotions

FREE RESOURCE: Summary of this episode

Join Rachel’s Facebook group

The Leadership Parenting Academy and Success Lab

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