Episode 331 Transcript

Hello, it is Rachel and welcome to episode 331 of Your Parenting Long Game. In the last episode, I talked about the fact that what I teach when I’m trying to help you positively transform your home are what I call Leadership Parenting strategies.

I teach these strategies really with a goal of making sure that emotions and reactions do not have so much power in your home so that you know how to reduce drama and chaos in the short run and that you know how to foster resilience and confidence in all family members in the long run.

I talk a lot about how to foster resilience in children, and that’s still an ultimate focus of mine. But I will also tell you that one of the most satisfying parts of my job is helping you as a parent of a child or children with big emotions become more confident in yourself as you learn to respond more effectively to your children’s emotions and more confident in your ability to give them what they need to be successful for years to come.

And my vehicle for doing all this, again, is these Leadership Parenting strategies because these are the strategies that teach you exactly how to become a powerful positive influence who believes in yourself… who believes that you can handle anything that arises, including your own frustration and overwhelm, so you’re not controlled by your feelings… and who also believes that you can handle your child’s yuck, when they’re melting down or shutting down or when they’re angry or frustrated.

And of course, it’s these Leadership Parenting strategies that will help you understand what your children need so that they can handle challenging feelings themselves — anything that’s difficult or uncomfortable for them, or even how to do things they don’t feel like doing, like doing their homework, or putting away their clothes, or speaking up for themselves, or learning to let others go first or have a turn as well.

These are all uncomfortable feelings and as a leader, you will know what your child needs to get there and how to give it to them. Because ultimately, this should not be all on you.

Now, these Leadership Parenting strategies that I’m talking about will work with any of your kids’ negative behaviors, moods, and attitudes. They teach you how not only to deal with the negative behavior moods and attitudes, but also how to make them less likely that they’ll happen.

But in this episode, I want to focus specifically on Leadership Parenting strategies for children who may not feel so good about themselves. And I want to focus on a specific behavior: A child who tends to say mean things about themselves when they do something wrong.

So maybe they forget to clean up a part of their room, and you mention it to them. And when you do, they say, “Oh, why do I always mess up?” Or, “I always make mistakes.” Or, “I never do anything right!”

And it’s really hard to hear them be so hard on themselves when they make a simple mistake. So if you hear this from your child, you probably want it to change. You want to know what to do to make it stop.

I’m going to tell you how to do this using the Leadership Parenting approach. But I will also tell you that later in January of 2025, I’m going to be doing a free event on the topic of what to do when your child with big emotions is not confident. More information about that free event and other resources will be on the show notes for this episode at rachel-bailey.com/331

But in the meantime, let’s talk a little bit more about children who are really hard on themselves when they make a mistake.

Children who do say things like, “Why do I always mess up?” Or “I always make mistakes” or “I never do anything right.” Again, what we want in that moment is for our children to stop saying these things.

Instead, what we really want them to say is something like, “Oh, I made a mistake. It’s not the end of the world. Everyone makes mistakes. I’ll learn from it, and I’ll do better next time.” We know how much more this attitude will help them in life.

And because we know that, and because it’s so hard for us to hear them being hard on themselves, especially when it’s not fully true, what we tend to do is we spend a lot of energy trying to get them to stop saying those things in the moment.

We might say things to them like, “Everyone makes mistakes. You have to learn not to beat yourself up.” Or we may also try to convince them, “It’s not a big deal that you made this mistake. You only missed one part of your room that you didn’t clean up.”

We may try to coach them on what they should do instead. We may say, “When you make a mistake, tell yourself ‘It’s okay. I made a mistake. It’s not a big deal.'”

We may even try to model what it looks like to make a mistake and not beat ourselves up. So the next time we make a mistake, we’ll talk through it out loud in front of our child with the hope that we’re going to be a good role model for our children and the next time they’ll do what we are doing.

But I’m going to tell you, and you probably don’t need me to tell you this, you probably know already, that these strategies, convincing them that it’s not a big deal, telling them to think about it differently, modeling what you’d like them to do, those tend not to work.

And the fact that it doesn’t work, this is what Leadership Parenting strategies address.

So let me actually explain why these strategies, which should make sense, telling our children that mistakes aren’t a big deal, showing them what it looks like to do something different, why these strategies that are logical and seem like they should work, why they don’t.

There are three reasons they don’t work.

The first is that none of these strategies address what’s beneath this behavior. What’s causing our children to say, “I always mess up,” “I always make mistakes,” or “Why do I always make mistakes?” And of course, I will tell you what is beneath this behavior in just a moment.

The second reason that our logical strategies don’t work, though, is that none of these strategies give a child what they truly need in that moment. And yes, I’m going to tell you what they truly need in that moment.

And the third reason that our strategies don’t work is that they don’t give you what you need, so you can give them what they need to address the cause of the behavior and what they truly need in the moment. And of course we’re going to talk about what you need as well.

So let’s dive into that first reason that our typical strategies do not work. That reason was we’re not addressing what’s really beneath their behavior. What’s really beneath the fact that they’re so hard on themselves when they make a mistake.

So, why would a child be so hard on themselves in the first place when they make a mistake? Especially after you’ve insisted already time and time again that everybody makes mistakes, that they’re not a big deal, that this is the way we learn. You’ve told them that, but it’s not helping.

Well, there are certain things that are unique about children with big emotions. And these things interact and lead to the negative attitudes that our kids have toward themselves.

It’s like a perfect storm of these qualities that happen in kids with big emotions. You’ll probably recognize all of these qualities in your child as I describe them, but you might not have known that they interact to create the behavior of children being hard on themselves.

The first quality of kids with big emotions that you need to know about is that they are very conscientious. They want to do what is right. And they want to do things the right way. It’s just something that’s inside of them. I will tell you that I have this quality too and it didn’t come from my parents who were mean to me when I messed up or telling me that I couldn’t make mistakes. In fact, I had pretty understanding parents. I am just a conscientious person by nature and so are most people who feel strongly.

So that’s the first quality. The next quality of people with big emotions is that we tend to have a very narrow zone of tolerance.

So, your child imagines things are going to go one way, and if they don’t go in that particular way, they become very uncomfortable very quickly. I’m sure you have noticed this before. Our kids are fine when things are going the way they imagine, but as soon as things change slightly, they get really upset, and that’s because of this narrow zone of tolerance.

So, when they are conscientious, and they have a narrow zone of tolerance, they immediately and strongly sense a problem or threat when they perceive that they’ve done something in a way that isn’t perfectly right.

And because they sense a problem or threat, their fight or flight response is activated. And when they go into fight or flight, the part of the brain that thinks logically and can see the big picture and recognize that mistakes aren’t a big deal, they can’t access that part of the brain.

So they actually can’t recognize that this isn’t the end of the world. And they don’t believe you when you tell them that. When someone is in fight or flight, they don’t believe what other people are telling them.

And there’s one final piece of this. Most of our kids with big emotions also haven’t mastered mature coping skills. So now they’re in yuck, they’re in fight or flight, and they don’t have the strategies to calm themselves down or react maturely.

 I mean most of us as adults don’t calm ourselves down or react maturely when we’re in yuck either. So what automatically comes out of our kid’s mouth is, “I’m bad,” or “I always mess up,” or, “I always make mistakes,” or “Why do I always mess up?”

This is really the interplay between these three qualities, their conscientious nature, their narrow zone of tolerance, and the fact that they haven’t mastered mature coping skills. That’s what you see in this behavior.

And telling them that it’s okay to make mistakes or it’s no big deal doesn’t make them any less conscientious. It also doesn’t widen their zone of tolerance. And it doesn’t help them master coping strategies in that moment. That’s why it doesn’t work. We’re not addressing what’s beneath the behavior.

This is why the Leadership Parenting strategies that I talked about in the last episode and early in this episode matter so much. Because as a leader parent, we are identifying what’s under the behavior and we’re addressing those issues.

In my two new programs, the Leadership Parenting Academy and the one-on-one version of that, the Leadership Parenting Success Lab, teach parents how to identify what’s beneath a child’s behavior, the real issue that’s causing this behavior so the behavior doesn’t keep coming up over and over. In fact, in the Leadership Parenting programs, I have a checklist that parents use to identify exactly what’s going on beneath the behavior because often you don’t know and you may ask your child and they tell you they don’t know. Well, this checklist will help you figure out what is going on so you can address it.

But I’ll be honest, and you won’t be surprised to hear, that it takes a little while to address what’s beneath the behavior. So as a leader parent we have to recognize that their yuck behaviors may continue to happen.

And we have to make sure that we’re not controlled by these behaviors while we’re waiting for the long-lasting change.

So I’m gonna go back now to that second reason, that telling them, “Everyone makes mistakes, it’s not that big of a deal,” doesn’t work.

Remember the second reason I said this doesn’t work is those strategies don’t give a child what they need in the moment. So what do they need in the moment? Let’s think about that.

Now remember, we just talked about the fact that by the time a child says, “I always make mistakes,” or “I always mess up,” they are already in yuck. By the time they’re hard on themselves, their fight or flight response has already kicked in.

And when someone is in fight or flight, telling them why they’re wrong, or that they shouldn’t think the way they think, or feel the way they feel, only makes them feel more yuck. They feel more misunderstood and alone, and it keeps them stuck in fight or flight longer.

I mean, think about this from your perspective.

If you’re really upset about something, maybe you’re exhausted, and your kids have been fighting all day, and demanding things of you all day, and you start getting frustrated and impatient, and someone comes in and sees you doing that, and the first thing they say to you is why you’re wrong and why you should feel differently.

So they say, “Hey, don’t be so frustrated with your kids. They’re just acting like kids. It’s no big deal.”

If you’re already in yuck, you’re already exhausted from the day, how are you going to feel when someone tells you not to feel the way you’re feeling? When someone comes in and they’re being rational – which this person is,  telling you that they’re only kids – but when they’re being rational and minimizing how you’re feeling, does that all of a sudden snap you out of your yuck so that you say, “You’re right, I should act more positively”?

It doesn’t do that. In fact, very likely their comment will only make you focus more on why you’re upset, how many times the kids have fought that day and demanded your attention, and how exhausted you are.

And it’s the same thing when we tell a child why they shouldn’t be upset or why they shouldn’t think the way they think or feel the way they feel. It doesn’t help them in that moment either. Telling your child that everyone makes mistakes does not help them get out of fight or flight.

So, of course, we need to use leadership strategies to do something different. In fact, there’s a strategy I teach called RESET. That is a step-by-step strategy for getting a child out of fight or flight.

And in that strategy, we’re not telling them they’re wrong or trying to get them to think differently. We’re actually doing the opposite. We’re giving them what they need to feel safe. Because that’s the message to their brain that they can get out of fight or flight, and they can start to see the big picture on their own. That’s what ultimately gets them to stop saying mean things about themselves. And that’s what we want, right?

But again, we use this RESET strategy not to convince them that they’re wrong. But to help them get out of fight or flight by being with them in the moment.

Now, let’s be real. This probably all makes sense logically, and as you’re hearing me talk about this right now. But in the moment, it’s really hard to remember all this, isn’t it? Because there are so many things that we are thinking about in that moment, and most of the things we’re thinking about when our children are saying, “why do I always make mistakes,” or “I always mess up!”

Those thoughts are putting us into yuck, because in that moment we are recognizing that if they don’t learn to handle mistakes, life’s going to be really hard for them. And we worry that maybe they’ll become depressed or anxious. We worry that maybe it’ll hold them back from being happy or being in healthy relationships.

We’re thinking about all of that, whether we’re aware of it or not. All of that is being calculated in the back of our minds.We’re also, whether we’re aware of it or not, thinking about the fact that situations like this exhaust us because they happen over and over, and we are just tired of not having any energy.

So very honestly our own yuck plays such a huge role in situations like this because when we are in yuck we cannot be a leader parent or a powerful positive influence with our kids.

In fact, I have an episode where I talk about the fact that our level of yuck is disproportionately related to our level of influence. The more yuck we have, the less influence we have with our kids. But it’s very hard not to automatically go and yuck. And this is why we also have to address our own yuck in these moments.

And this is where, honestly, I feel like Leadership Parenting strategies shine.

Because they consider that we are human and that just because we know what we’re supposed to do, that our children are struggling in the moment, it’s still hard to address that situation effectively.

So of course there are Leadership Parenting strategies for this too.I have one strategy called the “When All Else Fails” technique that tells you exactly what to focus on and do when nothing else is working.

That way you have a plan for nothing working so that you never feel helpless. And like a leader parent, you’re not controlled by your yuck or even their yuck. This is what helps you stay confident and connected so that you can be a powerful positive influence who leads your child out of their fight or flight response and to better behavior, more resilience, and better mental health.

So think about it. What most of us do now doesn’t work. And again, it’s because we want our children to stop saying what they’re saying in the moment. But that’s not actually what children need.

Children don’t need us to try to get them to stop doing what they’re doing. They need us to be leaders. They need us to be leaders who believe in ourselves and our ability to handle these situations.

And they need us to be leaders who believe that we can get them to a place where this doesn’t happen to begin with.

So here’s what I suggest you do if you have a child who says mean things about themselves.

First, decide what you won’t say. Don’t try to tell them to change their mind or that they shouldn’t be upset. In the moment, remember that they need to feel safe. Again, have a strategy for this.

Now the strategy that works, I’ll be honest, is really going to depend on your child and what actually gives their fight or flight response the indication that they’re safe. This is actually what we figure out together in my Leadership Parenting programs.

But it might, depending on your child, sound something like, “this feels hard because you wanted to do that the right way.” Or in the situation where they missed one part of their room, “this feels hard because you really did want to do a good job with your room.”

Whatever it is that makes them feel safe is what is going to “work,” because the ultimate goal is for their fight or flight response to be soothed, not triggered more.

Now also remember, in that moment though, you need to feel safe. One of the many ways to do this is to decide what you will do if nothing works, so that you don’t feel out of control or helpless, because your fight or flight response needs to be soothed, not triggered more.

And finally, if you want this behavior to actually go away, you’ll need to start to address the real reasons for what’s under their mean comments.

I’m going to be really honest. You may not get that conscientious quality out of them. They may still want to do the right thing and want to do things well. I’ve never completely gotten rid of this quality.

But they don’t have to be as extreme about it. It is possible to help them widen their zone of tolerance and know how to handle situations more effectively by using healthier coping strategies.

So remember, you want to decide what you won’t say, you want to decide what you will say to help soothe their fight or flight response, and you want to decide what you will do to soothe your fight or flight response.

And ultimately you want to give them strategies so that they’re not as likely to go into yuck and they know how to handle it when they do.

Now if you’re not sure how to do any of this, there are Leadership Parenting strategies for this.

Even if you don’t feel very much like a confident leader right now. In fact, if you don’t feel like a confident leader, that’s actually an indication that you probably need these strategies even more.

You can learn them, and when you learn these strategies, when you learn how to not be controlled by your yuck or their yuck, here’s what happens:

When you hear them say something like, “I always mess up,” instead of you getting upset and reacting by trying to make them change their mind, which actually makes their fight or flight response worse, you’ll be able to stay regulated, which is an initial cue to your child’s fight or flight response that you are safe.

And when you learn how to give them what they need in the moment, instead of you saying, “But everyone makes mistakes,” which only increases their yuck and puts them deeper into fight or flight. When you learn how to give them what they need, you’ll demonstrate through your energy and your tone and your actions that they don’t have to be alone with what they’re feeling in that moment, which shuts off their fight or flight response and helps them get out of this behavior.

And when you address what’s under their behavior, instead of then having to address the same situation over and over, you start to witness situations where your kids make mistakes – they forget to clean a part of the room, or they do a part of their homework wrong, or they drop a glass by accident – and you start to witness them talking themselves through this instead of beating themselves up.

You see them have their own back because you’ve taught them how to do that. This is what happens with Leadership Parenting strategies. This is long game parenting.

If you want to learn the Leadership Parenting strategies, my Leadership Parenting programs, both a group program and one on one program, are open.

In both programs, you learn the strategies, how to apply them to your situation, and how to practice them so they become more automatic. And this only takes minutes a day. These are not long videos that you have to watch or anything like that.

Information about these programs is in the show notes, and as well in the show notes, there’s information about the free call that I mentioned that I’ll be doing at the end of January 2025 for raising children with big emotions who are not confident. And there’s also a free resource which is a summary of this episode.

All of this can be found on the show notes at Rachel-bailey.com/331.

Thanks for listening, and I’ll see you again soon.

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