Episode 330 Transcript
Hello, it is Rachel and welcome to episode 330 of Your Parenting Long Game. Because of the holidays, I’ve been with my own mom a lot lately, and we talk every once in a while about my work. And recently she said to me, in relation specifically to this podcast, she said, “Rachel, I’ve been listening to your podcast and I have a question for you.
I know that you teach Long Game parenting, and I’ve heard you talk about the difference between Band Aid parenting and Long Game parenting. But what style of parenting would you say that you teach?”
So I said, “Well, what do you mean by that?”
And she said, “I’ve heard of ‘gentle parenting’. Is that what you teach?”
I told her, “No, it’s not that I have anything against gentle parenting per se, but that is actually not what I teach.”
So she said,”So the strategies you teach parents, what style of parenting do they align with?”
And it’s funny because I hadn’t really defined the style of parenting that I teach, because I hadn’t felt the need to. But I responded to her question almost immediately, almost instinctively.
And what I said was, “What I teach are leadership parenting strategies. Long Game parenting is all about using leadership parenting strategies so that when a child has big emotions or big reaction, the parent doesn’t get sucked in, but instead they help lead a child out of those big emotions and reactions.
“And ultimately, and importantly, they also teach their children to lead themselves out of their own big emotions and big reactions. Because my goal is to help parents create a home where emotions and reactions no longer negatively impact so many situations.”
I work with parents with kids with big emotions, and in many cases, it is emotions and reactions – both the child’s emotions and reactions, and the parents’ emotions and reactions – that control so many situations, from day to day situations like getting out of the house in the morning and bedtime and after school routines, to vacations, to what decisions the families make about where they’re going to go, what they’re going to do, who they’re going to do it with.
So leadership parenting strategies, the strategies that I teach, put people back in charge rather than emotions being in charge. We get those long game results.
And as you know, when I talk about long game parenting, one of the main things I talk about is you as a parent becoming a powerful positive influence.
And it’s the leadership parenting strategies that teach you to become this powerful positive influence – someone who can diffuse situations more quickly and someone who can make it less likely that these situations will have to be diffused to begin with.
Because a powerful positive influence uses their influence to teach children how to do things they don’t feel like doing and how to handle uncomfortable emotions like disappointment and frustration more effectively. And this powerful positive influence, comes from using leadership parenting strategies.
So again, what I realized as I was talking to my mom is that I teach these leadership parenting strategies to become a powerful positive influence who’s both confident in themselves and their ability to handle the big emotions, and who can connect with children and teach them to do the same, so that they can handle their own big feelings.
Because that’s ultimately what a leader is. A leader is someone who believes in themselves and their vision, and someone who can guide others to be the best version of themselves as well.
And I want to give you two examples of why this is so important. I’m going to have you FEEL what it’s like to be on the receiving end of what I would qualify as leadership vs. non-leadership. You may have heard me use these metaphors before briefly because they’re really good in demonstrating what it feels like to experience an authority figure who’s using leadership strategies and for you to experience someone who isn’t a leader or someone who isn’t using leadership strategies.
So first I want to start with an “authority” who is responding to emotions, because that’s what we’re doing a lot, right? We’re responding to our kids’ emotions – maybe they’re anxious or angry or being hard on themselves.
And it’s so important that you feel confident in your ability to handle those emotions. And again, you’ll be on the receiving end.
So I’m going to have you imagine two different guides. These are guides that are going to lead you through a tour of a jungle. So you’re on a vacation and you’re going through the jungle and you paid a tour guide to take you through. And obviously the job of this guide is going to get you through the jungle safely. That’s what you want from them.
But imagine you are going through this jungle before you start, you feel a little bit nervous because you know in the jungle there are snakes and there are poisonous plants and there are things that could jump out at you at any moment. So you’re really nervous.
Now imagine you tell your guide that you are nervous and when you have these feelings and these reactions, it sucks them in. So you say, “I’m a little bit nervous about going on our tour tomorrow. “And they say, “Oh yeah, you know what, there are poisonous snakes and there are things that could jump out at you. Oh my goodness, I’m not sure what we’re going to do.” And they doubt themselves.
So when you’re feeling something, they also have their own yuck. That doesn’t feel very good for you, does it?
Now, imagine you end up going on this tour and inevitably, because you’re in the jungle, things do pop up, challenges and obstacles pop up, and when those challenges and obstacles pop up your guide becomes nervous again, and they say, “Oh my gosh, I’ve never seen this before. I’m not sure how to handle this. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I don’t know if I’m messing up everybody on my tour,” and they become really anxious.
Again, as the person who’s being led, that’s going to feel awful for you if this person who’s supposed to lead you to safety is now in yuck themselves. This is not what we want in a leader.
And yet this is what we often do with our children. They go into yuck and their yuck puts us into yuck. We come upon challenging situations in parenting and instead of being and instead of being confident, we go into yuck, doubting ourselves, wondering if we’re doing the right thing, wondering if we’re messing up our children, and that is not helpful for us, and it’s not helpful for our children.
But using leadership strategies, this is what a jungle guide could look like. You say to your guide, “You know what, I’m really nervous about going through the jungle tomorrow,” and they see your emotions, and they see your reaction, and they respect it.
They say, “Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Of course you’re nervous because you’re about to go into a place you’ve never been before.”
So they respect it, but they also don’t go into yuck. They say, “It’s normal to feel that way. I can guide us through this. We’re going to be okay.” And whether they even say those words or not, through their ENERGY you can sense that your yuck is not sucking them in. They maintain their confidence.
And imagine you’re going on this tour, and challenges do pop up, and there are obstacles. But when those obstacles arise, your leader guide doesn’t freak out. Your leader guide says, “You know what, I may not have handled this situation before, but I know how to get through a jungle. I have strategies to handle this.”
Hopefully you can feel the importance of you believing in yourself… the importance of you being confident that you can handle reactions, emotions, Yuck… and that you can handle situations, even if they’re challenging.
Because, for better or worse, when we don’t believe we’re leaders, they don’t believe we’re leaders. If we don’t trust that we can handle their emotions, and obstacles, they won’t believe that we can handle their emotions, or situations.
Now I want to give you one more example of why it’s so important to be a leader – not just who is confident in yourself but who can bring out the best in your child. So in this example I’m going to show you two different bosses.
And these bosses are going to react differently to you when you’re not doing what they ask. So in each case, your boss has asked you to do a project – but you don’t know how to do the project. You struggle with it because there are a lot of complicated spreadsheets, so you’re unable to move forward, and you’re panicking, and the more you panic, the more you can’t seem to move forward.
Now I’m going to have you experience the first boss who is not using leadership strategies, but they are doing what many people will do.
This boss is frustrated when they see that you’re not moving forward. They assume that because they hired you and you had certain qualifications, you should be able to do that project. And they assume that if you’re not, that you are underperforming. They see this as an issue that needs to be disciplined.
So they remind you of all the consequences that are going to happen if you don’t do this project. They’re not thinking about why you’re not doing this project. They’re just telling you what’s going to happen if you don’t.
They’re also not necessarily thinking about what it’s like for you that you can’t do this project. They’re not recognizing that you may have anxiety or you may be worried that you’re unable to do this project and that your struggles are impacting your performance as well.
They’re just thinking, how can I make sure that you do the project? They’re not asking why, they’re just thinking, how can I get you to do the project? And they think that threatening consequences or maybe even promising rewards is what’s going to control your behavior
Now, as someone who has this type of boss, you can see how frustrating that is – especially when you are genuinely missing skills that would allow you to move forward.
Yet, that’s what a lot of us do as parents. We assume that our kids should be able to stay in bed because of their age or because they’ve done it in the past. And when they’re not staying in bed, or when they’re being mean to their brother or sister, or when they’re rolling their eyes, or when they’re not doing the dishes when we ask them to, we assume they should know how, and when they’re not doing it, we assume it’s a discipline, a behavior, issue.
We think about what can we do, what consequences can we bring up or we tell them about, so they do what we want them to do. We don’t necessarily think about the skills that they’re missing (and they are), and we either don’t think about the situation from their perspective, or we over-think about their perspective, we’re too deep in their world, and we don’t know what to do to help them. (That’s similar to the non-leader guide.)
That is a non leadership way to approach a situation.
Now, to be more of a leader, a boss would approach the situation differently. So let’s say you’re in the same position, you have to do this project, you’re still struggling, but this time you have a boss who, when they see that you’re not doing what they asked you to do, they assume that you are struggling in some way.
They assume that you are having a problem, not being a problem. And their immediate instinct is to talk to you and say, “Hey, what about this is hard? What are you struggling with? What do you hate about it?”
And even if you aren’t able to verbalize what you hate, they started digging a little and investigating what could possibly be the issue. They work with you to figure out what the problem is.
They don’t say, “Oh, well, you’re having a problem so you don’t have to do it.” They maintain their expectation and their firm boundaries. But what they’re focusing on in this case is not how do they get you to do the project. What they’re focusing on is why aren’t you doing the project and what do you need to be successful?
They’re thinking about the skills you may be missing.T hey’re thinking about what else is going on that may be impacting you because they want you to be successful. They’re not freaking out that the project isn’t done. They’re not focusing on you not listening to them. They’re focusing on what do you need to be successful.
A leader is also someone who can connect with you and guide you to the best version of yourself.
That is where leadership parenting gets you. It allows you to recognize that when a child isn’t feeling or acting the way you want them to, there’s a struggle underneath and there’s a solution to that struggle and you can help them be the best version of themselves.
Leadership parenting is about being more like that leader boss – someone who’s firm, and someone who doesn’t change their expectations, but when those expectations aren’t met, they look for the reasons, not excuses, and teach you what you need to do better. They don’t go into yuck and try to control you. Instead, they say, “hey, there’s something going on here, and we’re going to figure this out together.”
And leadership parenting is about being more like that leader guide – someone who may come upon challenges as they’re motivating you, but they don’t freak out when things aren’t working the first time or when a child has more emotions. And if they are tired or frustrated themselves, they deal with that so that it doesn’t control them either.
And of course you can learn how to do all of this using leadership parenting strategies.
I am not a natural leader parent. These strategies don’t come naturally to me, but I’ve learned them and I’ve taught them for over a decade. And I’ve seen, over and over, but these are all things that can be taught. These strategies teach you how to be the parent you want to be. They teach you how to identify what your children need because you may not naturally know that. And they teach you how to still give them what they need even when you go into yuck or your child goes into yuck.
And leadership parenting strategies also teach you to teach your children how to handle their own discomfort. So you tell your child, for example, that it’s time to practice piano and they can handle that transition from whatever they were doing to going to practice piano. Even if practicing is boring and uncomfortable for them, they know how to do it.
Leadership parenting strategies will teach you what they need and how to give it to them no matter how much resistance they initially show.
So I want you to think about what would change in your life if you were more confident, if your kids were more confident, if you both knew how to deal with the yuck.
If emotions did not control situations, how would that affect your morning? How would that affect after school and in the evening when you’re making dinner? How would it affect your bedtime routine?
How would it affect vacations? Where you can go, what you can do, who you can go with? How would it affect what you can say yes to? Thinking about going to your friend’s houses or to different events.
If emotions didn’t control your home, how much more energy would you have?
And how would you feel about yourself as a parent?
This is where leadership parenting strategies come in. Because there is a “how to” to solve every issue. Because there is a “how to” that can get you from where you are now, where you might not feel so confident in yourself, where you may not know what is going on with your child, or even if you know clearly what is going on with your child, you may not be able to give them what they need because you have too much yuck.
Leadership parenting strategies will help with all of that.
And they will also help you teach your child to feel more confident themselves, to know how to handle challenges and obstacles themselves, so that they eventually can become a leader parent for their children as well.
That is leadership parenting, that is long game parenting.
Now, if you want to learn those leadership parenting strategies yourself, I am just opening something called the Leadership Parenting Academy, where I am teaching those step by step strategies.
There’s more information about that on my show notes. And on my show notes, there’s also a free resource that summarizes this episode with the examples I went through.
All of that can be found at rachel-bailey.com/330.
Thanks so much for listening, and I’ll see you again soon.
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