Episode 328 Transcript
Hello, it is Rachel and welcome to episode 328 of Your Parenting Long Game. I’ve actually been working for a little while on something behind the scenes to help busy parents improve their influence and to help them teach their children with big emotions to handle challenges, but it’s a pretty time-consuming project.
So in this episode, I’m just going to give you a quick strategy that will feel good for your child, your relationship, and probably you as well. This strategy comes from an idea that is the foundation of long game parenting — that when kids’ needs are met, their behavior, moods, and attitudes improve.
I’m going to teach you one simple thing you can do to meet your kids’ needs for capability and control and significance. And that strategy is to, whenever possible, defer to your child as an expert. And the good news is that this strategy takes less than a minute to implement, and it’s really simple.
Deferring to them as an expert means asking them questions where you are genuinely seeking their input or their expertise.
You could do this in a few ways.
You could ask them about something they know a lot about. And I will say it’s especially helpful if you do this with something they know you didn’t know very much about. So let’s say your child is taking piano lessons and you don’t know how to play the piano. Ask them to teach you a few things about how to play.
You could even say something like, “Hey, I don’t like feeling completely clueless when it comes to playing piano. Can you teach me a few things to cure my cluelessness?” Like they’re doing something that’s helping you.
Or, deferring to them as an expert may be where you’re asking their take on something, maybe current events or a dilemma that someone is facing.
Let them know that you want their point of view. You could say, “Hey, I think the leader of that country didn’t handle this situation so well. Do you think so?” And even, “What would you have done in their situation?” You could also say, “I’m interested in what someone your age thinks about something like this.” That’s also deferring to them as an expert of someone their age.
Now, another way you could do this is to ask them to help you with something based on a strength that they have. I definitely do this a lot with my own kids. One of my daughters has a talent for graphic design, and I’ll often ask her to help me with some of the handouts and materials that I put together for my programs. And I will tell you, if you’ve ever downloaded any of my resources, you will likely be able to tell which she has designed and which I’ve designed.
But your child doesn’t have to be old enough to ask them to do something like this. When one of my daughters was about four, she was interested in fashion. So whenever I’d go out to do some sort of public speaking event, I’d tell her I couldn’t decide between three shirts and ask if she would choose one that I would wear. And I’d wear the one she chose, showing her that I really respected her input. Or, maybe you have a child who likes to sing. You can ask them if they can sing you a song to help you relax.
The idea is that you’re noticing that they have something inside of them to offer. This is what I call a deposit into emotional needs accounts. And if you want to know more about emotional needs accounts, what they are, I will include a free resource with this episode that lists the five emotional needs and suggestions for one or two other simple deposits you can make. You’ll find that free resource in the show notes for this episode at rachel-bailey.com/328.
But I will tell you that this strategy of deferring to them as an expert is a deposit into their significance. You’re showing them that they matter, that they make a difference. And I will say that most kids, especially those with big emotions, do not have enough deposits into this account. They feel like they don’t matter and they don’t like who they are because of their big emotions. But we can help them see that they do matter, using this simple defer to them as an expert deposit.
Deferring to them in this way is also a deposit into their capability, reminding them that they have abilities that are useful to others. That’s a huge confidence boost. Younger kids love to know that they were able to do something for a parent. And for older kids, as long as you don’t make a huge deal about it, they like knowing they can help out using something that comes naturally to them. (You may have noticed that older kids don’t always like to help out when it’s hard for them, or when they don’t care about something like chores or homework. But when a skill comes naturally to them, they’re often very open to helping, and again, it makes them feel good.)
This strategy is also a deposit into their sense of control. It teaches them that they have the ability or power to make something happen. And especially when you show them that you are looking for their advice, that’s putting them in a position of authority, which many of our kids really appreciate.
And you can even consider what this might be like from your perspective. Imagine that you have a boss or someone else who has authority over you, who you respect, but they come to you every once in a while, asking for your opinion or asking for you to use a strength that you have to make their job easier.
How would you feel about yourself? And how would you feel about your boss, who did defer to you as an expert every once in a while?
Now, here’s the thing though. You know that parenting is not a one size fits all type of thing.
That’s actually part of what I’m thinking about as I’m working behind the scenes on this program that I told you about. Any strategy that “works” with one child may not work with another. But if that’s the case for your child, the fact that deferring to them as an expert isn’t helpful is actually important information as well.
I always say to parents I work with that whether something works or it doesn’t work, that gives us information about what a child needs. So for example, if you are deferring to your child as an expert and it doesn’t work, I can tell you, because I do really understand kids with big emotions, that it’s probably because asking for their opinion makes them more anxious or sensitive.
Maybe they don’t trust themselves yet, or maybe they don’t believe they have an expertise. So if a child doesn’t want to be deferred to as an expert, then it’s a valuable signal to me and hopefully to you, that we have to work on their trust of themselves, and we have to work a little bit on their anxiety.
That’s exactly why anytime I work with a parent, I include personal support, because we can use our child’s behavior, what works and what doesn’t work, to guide us in the direction of what our children need.
But however we get there, children do benefit from deposits that meet their emotional needs, the ones that work for them. And for many kids, deferring to them as an expert is such an easy action to take, and it can have a huge impact.
Remember, deferring to them as an expert can help them feel like they matter, and that’s important. When your child knows they matter, they’re more likely to stand up for themselves when others treat them with respect. When your child knows they matter, they’re more confident when they take risks, like trying out for a sports team, or for the school play, because they know their worthiness doesn’t depend on whether or not they make the team or the play.
And remember, deferring to them as an expert can help a child feel capable, and that’s so important. Children who feel capable can handle challenges because they know that even if something doesn’t work out the first time, they will eventually figure it out. They don’t melt down when things get hard because they trust themselves to know that they can do hard things.
And remember, deferring to them as an expert can help a child feel like they have more power, that they actually have some authority rather than people just telling them what to do all the time. And when they feel a sense of power, they don’t have to get that power from trying to control situations or other people. They don’t have to negotiate every time you ask them to do something or call out a sibling when their sibling isn’t doing something the “right way.”
So I encourage you to try these types of deposits and not be upset if they don’t work. Because again, if something is not working, it’s a sign that we need to continue to figure out what your child’s needs are, and when their behavior changes, which it will, I’ve helped thousands and thousands of parents see this, will know that we have met their need.
Now, if you do want to partner in figuring out what your child needs, how to make these deposits and how to help your children feel seen so they feel valuable and more confident, you can apply to be part of the new program where we go beyond behavior to meet your kids needs so they genuinely feel and act better in the long run.
I can give you what you need to succeed so you can give your child what they need to do the same. Remember that that free resource that lists emotional needs and a link to apply to the program are in the show notes for this episode.
You can find that at rachel-bailey.com/328. Thanks for listening and I’ll see you again soon.
FREE RESOURCE: List of “Emotional Needs Accounts” + ideas for deposits
