Episode 325 Transcript
Hello, it is Rachel and welcome to episode 325 of your Parenting Long Game.
I personally think the worst feeling when it comes to parenting is feeling helpless. You want your children to be able to handle when life doesn’t go their way… or you want them to be able to brush their teeth when they’re supposed to…but you can’t get them to change.
Now, I will admit that I’m someone who really likes to feel in control, so feeling helpless is a big trigger for me. But I think that even parents who are more flexible than I am would agree that feeling out of control when it comes to our children can seem like torture.
But often we try to teach our kids important lessons, like “You have to be able to handle it when life doesn’t go your way.” Or we try to tell them they have to do things they don’t feel like doing, like brushing their teeth, and they don’t listen to us. And when they don’t listen to us and we start to feel helpless, we start to try to control them more.
And we know that the more we try to get them to do something, usually the worse the situation goes. At the very least, they’re just not really listening to us in that moment. Maybe they’re shutting down or melting down. But at worst, and this does usually happen over time, when we try to talk more and convince them to do what we want them to do or hear what we want them to hear, it affects our relationship. We actually start to resent that they’re not listening to us and they start to resent that we keep trying so hard to get them to listen to us.
But it does not have to go this way. Even if we can’t control our kids, we can influence them. Meaning we can suggest something we think is best, or we can tell them something they need to do, and they’re more likely to listen to us or internalize our lessons.
And as you know, the foundation of long game parenting is becoming a powerful positive influence with your child with big emotions.
So I’m going to talk today about a strategy to increase your influence to make it so that your words and your advice will have more of an impact so that you feel less helpless when it comes to guiding your child in the direction that you know will serve them in the long run.
And it’s actually a simple strategy that I’m going to teach you. The strategy is called Drop and Leave. And I’m going to talk about that in a few minutes. But I will start by saying that the key takeaway from this strategy is that less is more.
I also want to tell you that if what I teach you in this episode resonates with you, I have a suggestion about your next step that I can actually personalize to your situation based on your child’s current reaction. So if you’re thinking after you’ve heard this strategy, “That’s great, but what do I actually do now?” I’m going to tell you what to do at the end of the episode.
But let me start with a story to demonstrate what usually happens when we’re trying to teach our kids a lesson and they’re not listening or we’re trying to get them to do something and they’re not listening. I’m going to demonstrate this by using a story of a mom named Fern and her daughter Jane.
Now in one situation between mom Fern and daughter Jane, Jane is complaining that her brother gets more time on screens than she does. And mom Fern realizes that yes, this may be true, but there are good reasons for this.
So, of course, wants her daughter to see this too, so she explains these reasons to Jane. Fern says, “Yes, your brother does get more screen time. That’s because you have more homework than he does, and it has to get done. Also, he has an easier time getting off of screens than you do, so he’s able to be on there between other activities because he can just stop when we need to go somewhere.”
Now mom Fern’s attempt to explain this to Jane makes sense. She’s trying to help her see that she isn’t being unfair and she wants Jane to feel less upset. But this is not how it goes. Because Jane doesn’t hear what her mom is saying.
She isn’t now thinking, “Oh, I understand why my brother gets more screen time, that’s okay.” Instead, the whole time her mom is talking, she’s digging deeper into her own perspective, and when her mom is done talking, she says, “That’s not fair though, he always gets more than I do!”
Now, her mom knows for a fact that that’s not the case, so she insists, “Jane, he doesn’t always get more than you do…” and she tries to give her examples of where she got more than her brother did.
Jane’s mom wants so badly for Jane to see the truth, but nothing seems to be working. She’s feeling ineffective and helpless and unfortunately, her words are actually losing their impact and she is losing her influence the more she is trying to convince Jane.
Because one of the things that works against us when we feel out of control when our kids aren’t listening is that we say more. We try harder to convince them that they need to see our perspective. And this is especially true because we’re parents of kids who tend to react pretty strongly when things don’t go their way. So we want them to see our perspective so we can help them do better.
But when we try harder and harder to do that, all that happens is that we get big reactions, we get resistance, we get whining and complaining, or even a child who just shuts down and won’t talk. We’re not able to convince them to see our point of view or do what they have to do.
And there is a reason for this. Because just like as parents, our brain gets triggered by feeling helpless… well, it’s also true that our kids’ brains are triggered by feeling like someone is trying to get them to see their point of view. Especially if our children feel like we are not seeing their point of view, it’s even harder for them to see ours.
So in the example I used, mom Fern is trying to convince Jane to be okay with her brother’s extra screen time. She’s just trying harder and harder to get her to see that. The more she talks and insists that Jane shouldn’t be upset, the more upset Jane actually gets because she feels like Fern is not hearing her perspective.
So let’s go a little deeper. Mom Fern is telling Jane that her brother gets more screen time for two reasons. One, he has less homework. And two, he can more easily get off of the screen so he can fit in smaller doses.
But again, Jane’s not thinking, “oh, okay, that makes sense.” Instead, what she’s thinking is, “Why should I have to pay for the fact that I have more homework? So now this doubly stinks for me because I have more homework and I get less screen time.”
And she’s also thinking, “Wait, my brother can fit in more screen time than I can? I can’t help it, that I always have to get off when I’m in the middle of doing something. I don’t know how to pull myself away when I’m in the middle of a conversation or I’m in the middle of a game. I don’t know how to do anything different, and I have to pay for that. I have to get less screen time because I don’t know how to do what they’re asking me to do?”
So what daughter Jane is doing is she’s spending more of her energy defending herself against her mom’s word. And that energy and those thoughts that she’s having are only reinforcing her own perspective.
Jane can’t digest what her mother is saying because all of her mother’s words are coming at her. Instead, all of her energy goes toward defending herself and convincing herself why she is right and why things are so bad for her and why her mom is still wrong.
Because what we do as parents is we try to convince our kids… when what we really need to do is to tell them once briefly what we want them to hear and then stop talking, stop convincing. We need to give them the space to digest what they’re saying.
What they really need from us is to be strong enough that our influence comes from our energy, our confidence, not our words and our attempts to convince them of something. The more we try to convince them, the weaker we seem and the less influence we have.
They really need us to say what we have to say and stop. And this becomes the formula that I want to teach you. I call this “Drop and Leave,” say what you want to say or drop a phrase and then leave. Now that means either leave the space where you are, leave the room, or since that’s not always possible, just leave the topic.
Instead of expecting to convince your child to see what you’re saying or even trying to convince them, just say one or two sentences and then leave the conversation or leave the space. If you do obviously still need to keep talking to them, or if you’re present, you can certainly start another topic, but don’t keep going on and on about what you want them to believe.
So, what does this look like? Again, I want you to know that there’s a free resource with examples that are going to depend on your child, how they currently react, but I do want to give you some more generic examples right now. This is what drop and leave would look like.
If you have to remind your child of something, maybe their homework has to get done by 5 o’clock. All you have to say is, “Homework has to be done by 5.” You don’t have to say, “…and if you start now, you’ll be done sooner…” You don’t have to say, “Remember I told you…” and give them all the reasons homework has to be done by 5. None of that.
Just say “Homework has to be done by 5” and stop with this topic. You can leave the room or you can just pause and change the topic and say, “Oh, hey, by the way, what time did you need to be at your friend’s house on Friday?”
Show them through your seriousness and your confidence in saying “homework has to be done by 5” that you know they’ll be able to handle it.
Now, if you have a child, let’s say, for example, with ADHD and you don’t have their attention, you might need to get their attention first, but you still just say the thing once, drop it and leave.
Another example, let’s say you’re trying to teach your child a lesson — the fact that life isn’t always fair. Instead of going on and on about how life isn’t fair and they need to get used to it and you’ve been in situations that aren’t fair. Instead of talking until they get to the point where they say, “Oh, you’re right….” because they’re never going to get to the point where they say, “Oh, you’re right, life isn’t fair and that’s okay.”
Instead of doing that, just say, “Hey, life isn’t fair and I know that’s hard to get used to. Let me know if you want strategies to handle it.” And then leave. Leave the conversation. Leave the room.
It doesn’t matter which, just shift what you are doing.
It’s funny because many of us remember when our parents did these long lectures and we usually tune them out. We know they’re ineffective. They’re not what our children need. And the only reason we keep talking is because we feel out of control. But I promise you that talking more will not make you feel more in control.
Now the reason Drop and Leave is so effective, the reason that just saying one thing and then ending the conversation or leaving the room, the reason it’s so effective is because your child isn’t spending so much time defending their own point of view. They have the space to hear you and what you have to say and they’re more likely to accept it when they don’t have their own thoughts insisting to them that they’re right.
This is also effective because there’s an implication when we don’t try to convince them that we believe in them, that we know they’ll do the right thing, which actually motivates our kids more than our attempts to convince them or our doubting energy.
Now, I will say there are other things you can do to increase the likelihood that they’re actually going to follow through. That is part of the full Long Game method. The more you show your kids outside of the moment that you mean what you say, and the more strategies they have to do things they don’t feel like doing, obviously the more likely they are to do what you ask. But this does start with your influence and your energy.
And even if they have the strategies to do things they don’t feel like doing, if you are talking at them too much, if you’re trying to control them or convince them, they won’t even use those strategies.
So let’s wrap up that story with Fern and Jane. Remember when Mom Fern was trying to convince Jane why it was okay that her brother had more screen time? Let’s shift from this space where Mom Fern was a “convincing mom” to a place where she was a “Drop and Leave” mom and see how Jane responds to that.
So in this situation, when Mom Fern drops and leaves, she might say something like, “Yes, he does get more sometimes. As a parent, I’m giving you each what I know you need, and I know that may feel hard sometimes. It’s okay to talk to me about that.” And then she ends the conversation.
She drops what she wants to say. And she is done. She leaves the conversation, or she leaves the room.
Now, daughter Jane has the space to do one of two things.
One, if she’s still upset that her brother got more, she can process it more quickly because she’s not spending so much energy defending her own perspective.
And two, if her mother is a powerful positive influence, Jane is actually going to hear what her mother says because her mother has influence with her. And Jane knows, based on her past interactions, that her mom has her back. She feels safer so that even when her mom says things like this, she calms down more quickly. Either way, Jane is able to move on more quickly.
So think about this. When you feel powerless, do you try to talk more and convince your child more? If so, unfortunately that’s not what your kids need. You can see that through their reactions, their shutdowns, and their complaints, and their eye rolls, and their resistance, and disrespect.
What they need is for you to succinctly tell them what they need to hear and then leave. Drop it and leave. The result is that your child will not be so hyper focused on defending their position. They can actually hear you and digest it and get through how they feel more quickly.
It also means that they’re not feeling so much like you’re against them and trying to convince them why they’re wrong and you’re right. This strengthens your relationship and it strengthens your influence.
And lastly, because you’re not spending so much energy trying to convince them they’re wrong, it actually helps them trust themselves more. It builds their resilience when you say one thing and leave, and they realize that they can do what you asked them to do or hear what you were saying to them.
So if this resonates with you and you want to take the next step, remember that I have a free resource that tells you what to do based on your child’s current reaction. That resource also gives you some examples and a way to test what works with your child.
If you want your next step to be a little bit bigger, if you know you’re ready for peace in your home, and if you know you’re ready for peace of mind and that you’re giving your kids what they need, we can also jump on a call to talk about how I can support you in that. Either way, to sign up for a phone call or to see the free resource that will include your next step, just head on over to the show notes at rachel-bailey.com/325.
Thanks for listening and I’ll see you again soon.
Here’s your next step (based on your child’s current reaction)
Talk to Rachel about how to get more peace in your home and peace in your mind
